Tied Together with a Smile

I have been thinking about my “things” a lot lately. When they creep up on me, I grab my journal and write until I have nothing more to say. Writing is my outlet, and more times than not it is the only way I can fall asleep at night.  I have gone through two journals (aka 3-Subject notebooks) since I started journaling in late April of this year. Sometimes I turn my journal entries into blogs for my loyal readers; other times I may share them with a friend or two, but mostly they are a private outlet for just my heart to know and feel.  Most of the time (95%+) I feel on top of the world and look at everything that is thrown at me as a lesson learned and experiences that are only strengthening who I am and where I am going in this life, but I also have my moments of feeling down and out about life and things that I cannot control.  This blog is a collection of several journal entries that I have written recently on the subject of my “things” and their importance to me.

We all have our things: Those things that we try not to think about because there’s really nothing we can do about them. Although we long for it, it seems hopeless and unrealistic to spend too much time and energy on it.   But, somehow, the thought creeps up on us at unexpected times, and we can’t help but to reflect on it. For example, some of us don’t like what we see when we look in the mirror; some of us are in unhappy relationships; others of us hold back the tears and put on a happy face because life is just easier that way; and then there are those of us who have great lives but still feel like something is missing: some void that may never be filled. It may be a child that you are unable to conceive, a relationship that you long for but just never seem to find, a broken friendship that you would give anything to rekindle, or maybe it’s that dream job that always seems just a little too far out of your reach.  Whatever your “thing” may be, it’s real; it’s there, and it is probably easier to just tie yourself together with a smile even if you are coming undone and/or hurting on the inside.

For me, my things are very simple yet very complex. I get that I have more in life than I deserve. I have the best family a girl could ask for, a ton of amazing friends who are always there when I need them, a safe, cozy roof over my head (oh, and a bed!!!!), an abundance of food, clothes on my back, and, above all, an almighty, forgiving, unconditionally loving God who has and continues to bless me beyond belief. But even after I remind myself of all these extraordinary blessings, sometimes I find myself focusing on the “things” that are missing: the voids that I would do almost anything to fill. My two big ones are a love relationship and children.

This past Saturday after hanging out with some girlfriends, I came home to my empty, lonely apartment. At that moment all I could think about was the amazing, loving man and beautiful, healthy children that are missing from my life.  The next morning when I woke up, I had the song “Part of Your World” from The Little Mermaid in my head. Saturday was October 23… exactly three months away from my 28^th birthday. Throughout my life I always thought that I would get married when I was 27 and have my first baby at the age of 28. In my head it was a  real-life fairy tale that was flawlessly planned out to the most minuscule detail.  Needless to say, my life has not gone as “planned.” 

Every time I see a couple walking down the street, holding hands and smiling at one another, I can’t help but to think about that void in my life. I long for the man of my dreams: someone that is my best friend with whom I can share everything with. I want to laugh, cry, love, and give everything I have with the love of my life. I want to experience that “spark” that never goes away. I want to love and be loved forever.

This past August I went into Pottery Barn Kids to look at baby gifts for my soon-to-be born nephew, Jack. Almost instantly after walking through the doors, I started to cry. I walked right out, went to my car, and grabbed my journal.. still crying. I sat in the mall parking lot for about fifteen minutes journaling about how desperately I want to be a mommy. That is the only thing that I have always ever truly wanted… two boys and a girl whom I can love unconditionally forever.

The point of this blog is to not dismiss those “things” in your life that may seem too big to handle. Honestly, I think it is healthy to spend some quality time with your thoughts, desires, and even the “voids.”  It may be easier and even hurt less to put on a happy face and try to forget about those “things.”  But, they never really go away… no matter how hard you try (and believe me, I’ve tried!). Give yourself the opportunity to reflect on your “things.” Write about it; talk about it; shoot, even sing about it if you want. But, then when you are done, look at all the things you DO have! Reflect on how awesome you are and how blessed you are despite what you think may be missing.   Even if you are at the bottom and feel like things can’t get any worse, get excited that everything can only go UP from here!!! On top of all of that, remember that everyone has their own “things” no matter how perfect their lives may seem. Your life is exactly how it is supposed to be right now.

“No one knows that you cry. You don’t tell anyone…. You’re tied together with a smile, but you’re coming undone.” (Taylor Swift)