Buying Myself Flowers

I have spent some time this morning reflecting on how much influence we allow others to have on who we are as a person: on our happiness, our self-esteem, our confidence in any given circumstance, on our overall well-being and path in life. It makes perfectly good sense why we do it: we are trained to be motivated (positively and negatively) by external things. As children we are disciplined, praised, encouraged, made to feel certain ways in certain moments, and made to not feel certain ways other times- all by someone or something else. I'm certain that it all comes from good intentions as our parents and authority figures have the job of training us to become “productive members” in society.

Unfortunately many people do not realize that with time comes change; it’s evitable- change in ourselves, change in society, change in the progression of behavior- and our programs can be rewritten to best fit who we are at any given time and in any given environment. (It’s part of Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Not familiar with NLP? Google it! It’s fascinating, and I have found that there is much truth in the theory). More importantly what many do not understand is that internal motivation/self-confidence should ultimately triumph over every obstacle/harmful person that one might face along life’s way.

With that being said, I will be the first to admit how hard that is to remember sometimes. I pride myself in having an overall high and healthy amount of confidence. I love who I am, where I’ve been, and the future of happiness that lies ahead of me. Yet, there are times when I allow someone or something to negatively affect that. It may be a comment, an action, or merely a tone of voice sent in my direction. Whatever it is that may take place, for a moment (and sometimes for quite a few moments), I allow that smidge of whatever- disrespect, negativity, disappointment, cruelty- make a ding in my self-esteem. Over time those little dings add up to a larger dent, and if I [subconsciously] allow them to, they eventually cause a wall to be built up, a little coldness to seep into my heart, and/or maybe a semi-permanent decrease in how I value who I am as a person.  

Yep, all because of something or someone else.

When I really narrow it down to the raw facts, it is sad. It’s sad that we give others so much credit and ownership of something in which we should be in control. One’s self-worth. The word “self” is defined as the evaluation by oneself of one's worth as an individual in distinction from one's interpersonal or social roles (http://www.merriam-webster.com/ dictionary/self-definition). Keyword: One. That’s it, just one. Número uno. So in all reality, it should only take the one person to change, affect, value, etc. the value of oneself. However, that is not generally the case.

Here’s where the change comes in. As individuals we must be the ones who change that mindset in ourselves and then change that mindset in the generations to come. I must be the one to change how I allow others to affect me. You must be the one to change how you allow others to affect you. Easy? Yes and no. The hard part will be just remembering and getting that to become the automatic response once we have reprogrammed our individual patterns in our brains. The easy (and fun!) part will be creating happiness for ourselves, and it all starts with feeling good about one’s self. It’s hard for me to believe that anyone on this planet would purposely choose to feel unhappy with who he or she is as a person. So, that really should be the easy part- choosing to be happy with who we are as an individual and holding that view higher than anyone else’s view of who we are.

First step for me today: I went and bought myself flowers. Flowers make me feel good. They are a symbol of love and appreciation, so it only made sense that I would give them to myself.

What will be your first step today in loving and appreciating who you are?

Finding Balance: Being Erin & A "Road Widow"

I have struggled quite a bit over the past two weeks. It’s funny, really, because when CJ and I first met, he “warned” me of this touring stuff. He would tell me stories of not being able to freely communicate whenever we wanted, of him leaving on Thursdays and coming home on Sundays (and then times when he’d be gone weeks at a time), and of the loneliness I may feel when he is away. I was very spoiled in the beginning since we did start dating during the off-season. From December to March, he was home. We were able to focus on us, our love, and on the life we were creating together. Yeah, he played all over downtown at least five days a week, but it was exciting! I could go see him whenever I wanted, and he was always there when I woke up in the morning. After living that life for a few months, I was confident that I had it all figured out and his touring wouldn't bother me one bit. Ha! Was I wrong!

I was convinced that I- the super independent, gypsy, free-spirited, strong woman that I am- could handle anything and I’d actually enjoy being alone (since I was used to it and content with it before I even met the guy). March wasn’t so hard, but I sure did miss him. Then, he was on a nationwide tour in June and July. That was different, and I missed him even more, but I was still okay. Then, this month-long radio tour came along. Geez.

I guess I got so used to his other schedules (and focusing on taking care of his sister who lived with us for the first six months of our relationship) that my expectations quickly needed to be adjusted and I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I realized that I was spending my days worrying about what he was doing, where he was, how many hours were left until he’d be home, or really if he’d even get to come home the next weekend. Then, I had back problems and felt “abandoned” when he had to leave to go back on the road. I was so focused on his career, his schedule, his arrivals, etc. that I forgot to focus any of my energy on ME. I didn't actively participate in my hobbies. I didn't have a schedule of my own because I didn't have any leftover time to focus on it (…or so I thought). I confused “support” of him and his passion with my own breathing, eating, and living of HIS life. That wasn't what he needed or what was making me happy. My job was lacking, and watching him live his dreams each and every day while I wasn't did not make any of this any easier. [I realize now that was so unfair to both of us. Live and learn, huh?]

Then, I woke up. All of this was me- me unhappy with myself, unhappy with the lack of a passionate career, unhappy with how my life has turned out because of the decisions I've made and wouldn't change in a heartbeat. He and I talked about my “unhappiness,” our roles within this life of ours together and ours individually, and how things could be if I would just concentrate on myself a little more. He’s fine; he needs my love and support, but he doesn't need me to remember every little detail or worry about him all the time. I wasn't, though, because I forgot about myself and my wants and needs that only I can fulfill. (Oh my goodness... When did I become that woman???)

The moment I decided to remember myself, my needs, and my interests is the moment that I found this blog: http://roadwidows.com/ . It’s fantastic. It helps me to not beat myself up too much and it also helps me to hold myself accountable. Now when I get an e-mail to update me on the latest posting, I send it to him, and we talk about it together whenever we've both had a chance to read it. We can relate, and it helps us realize we are and will be okay. We’re not alone, and it can work! Now I am actively focusing my time and energy on once again starting up my career- one that I can be passionate about and get just as much love and satisfaction from if he’s here or if he’s on the road. I know that this is still just beginning. Eight months into this and two weeks away from our first completed tour-season still classifies me as a “rookie.” Luckily I have the love of the greatest man I know and the support/advice of the strong Road Widows- I will be fine. Everything will be fine. 

Remembering to Be Happy

Happiness- it is a choice. At any given moment we can choose to be happy or get upset or hold a grudge or forgive. Oh, emotions. Oh, happiness. Being happy, staying happy... happy, happy, happy... it is easier said than done sometimes. Lately it has been much easier said than done for me. I know that I control my emotions and I know that I am the only one who will make me happy or will allow myself to feel unhappy.  Yet, sometimes, it is difficult to decipher that through all of the life going on around me.

Instead it tends to be "easier" to depend on others-- pressure off of me and onto you-- fair, no, but easier in the moment, yes. I also find it easier to focus my energy on making others happy. Again, pressure is off. If my energy is directed towards others, and they are happy, I have succeeded. If I focus my energy on me and for some reason I am still unhappy, then I have in some way "failed" myself and my well-being. I go so far to even convincing myself that if others are happy, then automatically I will find happiness through them. When I take a step back and really look at that mindset, I know it's silly. It is true that making others happy is emotionally pleasing to me. I'm a giver. I live to be kind to others and to myself. I will put myself aside if someone else is "needier" than I am at any given moment. Most of the time pleasing others makes me happy; other times I do push my happiness to the back of the line and tie myself up with a smile so others don't know what I am doing.

Controlling, yes. Borderline crazy, maybe. Real, absolutely.

Then, when I am lost and have no idea how to get back to that inner peace of happiness and self-satisfaction, it hits me. I control me. My energy and time needs to be directed to me and only me before I should ever consider throwing it into someone or something else outside of myself. I don't have to control others and/or a situation to just be. To be happy. To be content. To be me. I can still give and do kind gestures because it does make me feel good inside and in return others smile along with me. Two smiles are better than one. But, my smile is great. If I am not smiling and sincerely happy, why in the world should I expect others to smile? And even more so, why in the world am I exerting MY energy onto them when I can't first and foremost spend it on myself?

I just have to remember. I have to remember to be happy. I have to remember that I am in control of me and not anything or anyone else. I have to remember to give myself my infamous "pep talks" in the morning, every morning- on good days and especially on bad days. I have to remember to smile a real smile. I have to remember to focus on me sometimes and do what I need to do to be and stay happy. I just have to remember that happiness is a choice, and it's the best choice.

Today, I choose happiness. I am happy. #smiling

They Are MY Emotions, and I'll Cry If I Want To

For the good part of eight years, I spent a lot energy apologizing for my feelings and pretended to be someone I wasn't. I did it so much, I even started to believe that I should act and feel a certain way. Soon, I didn't even notice I was doing: it became natural, and that emotionless, selfless person was me. Poof! Just like that the automatic "I'm sorry's" and changing the way I felt because others thought I should feel differently was my existence. Then one day when I had had enough and couldn't bear one more minute of pretending and going through the motions of the emotionless life that I was living, I decided I couldn't (and wouldn't) do it any longer.

Since then I have compromised my feelings for others at times. I have come to understand that sometimes life demands that of us, and it is okay. There are moments and situations where one must step outside their selfish, one-sided way of thinking and consider others, their feelings, and their expectations/ demands. The "other" may be a partner, a friend, a child, a coworker, a corporation, or a group to which one belongs. The difference now is that I don't lose sight of my feelings in the meantime. Instead, I consider it somewhat of a trade-off: What I do for another somehow has an advantage for me and my well-being. However, there are those other times where my stubbornness won't let me compromise my feelings in fear that I may once again fall into that scary trap of being the emotionless robot that I was those many years ago. In those moments I may shut down and use one of the several defense mechanisms I carefully designed and created to protect my health and my heart.

That could be a weakness that could haunt me for the rest of my days. Because it has taken me so long to value and appreciate my feelings (no matter how appropriate or justified they may be at any given time), it is a hard pill to swallow when one depreciates (or tries to depreciate) how I am feeling for any given reason. The new Erin believes that my feels are my feelings, and I will be darned if anyone tries to control them.  Even when I can't control a certain emotion ('cause I'll admit at times I let my emotions get the best of me to the point that even I'm not sure why I'm feeling the way I am feeling), no one else will control it for me. As crazy as this may sound, I'd rather the emotion control me than allow someone else try to control my emotions for me (Remember, after all, I still am a woman= estrogen in large amounts).

But when the emotions subside and the reality of life isn't clouded by the craziness any longer, I gain control once again. It all just seems to fall back into place, and life is good. 99% of the time, no one else knows what goes on in my heart and my head with me and the emotions I feel. It's me: I am who I am. I won't apologize for feeling a certain way, but I will apologize if I allow my emotions to affect anyone else in a negative way. No one will ever change the way I feel if I don't allow them to. People can add to my happiness, my sadness, my enthusiasm, or, at times, even my confusion, but ultimately I create it all. I control it, and all of it is okay because it makes me stand apart from the ordinary, going-through-the-emotions people who are afraid to take control of their lives and their destined happiness and/or unhappiness.

I choose happiness.

 

When It All Falls Into Place

Over the course of the past four years of trying to find myself, learn life lessons, recover and triumph over what seemed like a lifetime of obstacles and pain, healing a broken heart and then mending it from time to time, and finally learning to trust not only others but most importantly myself, the same sentence has been echoed in my head by my family and friends: Everything will fall into place.

The once optimistic turned realist (and at times: pessimistic) woman in me would secretly laugh and roll my eyes at this statement. Understandably, we all want life to work out exactly how we have envisioned it; believe me, I surely did. Unfortunately (ha!) for me, I had been burned so many times and exhausted my energy and emotions on everyone else to the point that I had come to believe that my chaotic life of moves and unstableness of chasing dreams would forever be the life I’d lead even if nothing ever quite “fell into place.” And I had come to accept that and be perfectly satisfied with that lifestyle. I was even semi-planning a three-month hiatus to a beach somewhere bringing along only a tent and bikini. (The optimistic in me had decided she could have a garden on the beach and eat whatever she could grow.)

But, just as easily as it turned chaotic and unstable, one day it did: everything just fell into place. I am still not really sure how it all happened. At this point it’s such a blur: a blur of happiness, laughter, love, and contentment. However it finally happened, it happened. That’s the point. Even for me- the untrusting-selfish-walls-built-up-and-never-coming-down-wandering-never-stopping-given-up-hope girl that I had turned into- it all just fell into place!

And still from time to time when I reflect on my past (mainly the past four years since almost everything before that has been repressed and consciously forgotten), I try to figure it all out. I try to label what was always unclear- the breakups, the lost friendships, the seven moves in six months, the nice guys to whom I would never give a second thought, the moments of uncontrollable tears, and the random meeting of strangers that would lead to fantastic nights of learning and laughing- and somehow it all makes perfect sense now. It all had to happen exactly like it did for this present life to be as fantastic and full of love and happiness as it is.

No what-ifs or regret are left in my heart. If even one thing had been different or sabotaged by my unwillingness, it may all be different now. Because I have grown and accepted who I am and where I come from and everything involved in that process, I am completely whole and happy. It all fell into place, and it is exactly how I needed it to be.