Just Please Don't Break My Heart

"Don't break my heart. Please, just don't break my heart": The words that have repeated over and over in my head every time I meet someone new. The silent words that are usually faster than the "Hi, my name is...," or the "It's nice to meet yous" that would be automatic to any normal person. Normal being the key word here as I have been anything but "normal" when it comes to love and relationships (or life for that matter) over the past four years.

Instead of focusing on me- my needs, my wants, my future, my present- the majority of my focus has been on not getting hurt and not letting anyone too close to my heart because letting someone in ultimately leads to just another break in my already broken heart. Crazy logic, huh? Although I had worked very hard on tearing down the walls that were the barricade of my heart for so long, I always remained conscious of my heart and kept the little walls of protection nearby just in case of an emergency. My energy was dedicated to not getting hurt instead of feeling love. Every now and again I would allow myself to get vulnerable enough to feel and experience almost-love. But then just as quickly as I allowed myself to feel, I retreated; I pulled back and lost any sight of almost-love that could or could not have been.

As the Law of Attraction states: By focusing on positive or negative thoughts, one can bring about positive or negative results. I was focused on not getting my heart broken. Every ounce of my energy was driven by negative thoughts in an away-pattern. Instead of focusing on love (the ultimate positive) and accepting a towards-pattern of life, I allowed myself to feel protected by the subtle fact that if I didn't allow myself to get hurt, I wouldn't get hurt. I was running away from what I wanted instead of running towards it.

Silly girl.

From all that came learning, and I am immensely grateful for those lessons. Knowing what I know now has finally enabled me to love fearlessly and open-heartedly. Not once in the last four months have I worried about my heart getting broken. Instead, I have focused my energy on love and embraced each ounce of love I have received. I am not saying it's not scary at times, but it is all worth it. Regardless of what the future holds, I am dedicated to me, and I will challenge myself to remain focused on the positives, the lessons, and the love that is evident in my life.

 

The Journey That Led Me "Home"

It's so nice to once again know the feeling of a "home." It has been quite a while since I recognized that feeling and sense of security, and yesterday as I was driving back from my visit in Warner Robins, Georgia, I felt it for the very first time in a long time. During my six-hour drive north to Tennessee, I spent some time reflecting on my definition of "home" and the journey I have been since 2007 when I first recognized the absence of a "home" in my life. I wrote down the path I took; I talked to God and thanked Him for each and every step I took that led me to where I am now; most importantly, I realized and felt appreciation for every single thing that makes up the place I now call my home. 

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This morning I googled "home" to see what Old Mr. Webster had to say on the word. Here's what I found:

1 one's place of residence 

2 the social unit formed by a family living together

3 a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also :the focus of one's domestic attention <home is where the heart is>

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To me a "home" is so much more. Yeah, it is a place that one resides, but it is also a place where there is love, laughter, acceptance, trust, a sense of unity, respect, and a feeling of stability and comfort. For twenty-three years I never knew anything different when someone mentioned the word. I guess I figured everyone felt those things and that was the only way a home could be. Since then I have learned and experienced a "home" in several different ways. Not all of them have been a negative interpretation of the word, but sometimes it has been. For me, the void of those feelings have been a negative component in my life. Well, until now anyway.

My journey from ages twenty-three to the present has made me realize how fantastic and blessed my home life has been and now is again. Over the past two and a half years, I haven't consistently felt the presence of a "home" in my life. Every now and again I will get glimpses but nothing more. Even when I would visit Tennessee, it didn't quite feel the same.

Tennessee was my home from 1991-2007, and then it was the only real home I knew between 2007-2009 after moving my entire life to Georgia. Georgia was never my "home;" it was merely my place of existence where I went through the motions of domestic life and a teaching career. Once I moved back to Tennessee after spending six weeks backpacking through Europe in 2010, it wasn't the "home" I had known it to be all those years before. Yeah, my family was there, and I will never discredit the love and commitment we have for each other, yet I knew there was something more out there- more for me to learn, find, experience- and I wasn't going to stop until I found it (or at the least tried to find it). Little did I know at the time, it would ultimately bring me back to Tennessee where everything that I was destined to find was patiently waiting for me. 
 

On January 6, 2011 I left for Portland, Oregon.  Honestly, I couldn't stand one more day in Tennessee. Although I thoroughly enjoyed every moment I had spent with my family and friends over the past seven months, I knew I had to go find myself and create my own happiness. I needed to go. I needed to love, lose, learn, and be away from whatever it was that was still holding me back from my personal growth and the life I was destined to have some day. 

Although I love the city, Portland didn't feel like "home" to me either. The novelty quickly wore off; happiness was no where to be found. The life I thought I'd have and the feelings that I expected to feel were nonexistent. Not one day in Oregon felt right. I went through the motions, tried to be patient, and waited for the changes that would never take place. Six weeks later I stopped fooling myself and everyone around me, packed my things, said my goodbyes, and headed to the airport. (Picture Casey James' "Crying On a Suitcase." Yep. I was that girl.) At that moment I felt more lost and confused than ever. Where would I go? What would I do? Everything that I was hoping to find was never there.

Now what?

Instead of going straight back to Tennessee, I boarded a plane for Denver, Colorado. I still needed time: time to cry, time to feel sorry for myself, and time away from all the "I told you so's" I knew were waiting for me the minute I stepped on Nashville soil. I spent an entire week in Colorado. That week was exactly what I needed! I cried (a lot), laughed even more, had fun, and learned so much. For a second I felt the "home" I had been longing for that had been so void in my life over the past seven months. 

When I finally went back to Tennessee, I had no idea what to do. I had no job, no car, nothing. I moved back in with my parents (who were always amazing during my journey and continue to be so today) for a couple of weeks. One day I received a call from my former boss at Bonaire Middle School in Georgia. She offered me a long-term substitute position on my old team of teachers. I would be filling in for five weeks for the math teacher while she was recovering from surgery. I instantly thought "What the heck? What do you have to lose here?," so, I left for Georgia. I spent the next five weeks living with some friends, teaching 7th grade math, training for a half-marathon, and finally started to deal with the heartache and pain that had been haunting my life and my heart. 

Once again I went back to Tennessee where I lived for another six weeks or so. I spent a week in Nashville and the next few weeks in Chattanooga. One day I woke up and decided that I would wait no longer. I was moving to Denver, Colorado as soon as I found the courage. That happened on June 29th. I packed up my two-door Honda and left Nashville with two friends who would see me through the first few of days of the rest of my life. A few days later, as we crossed into Colorado, I felt it. I felt like I was "home" at last. 
 

That feeling lasted until Christmas time. That's when it hit me: Colorado may have just been my temporary "home." I had grown so much. I learned about myself, my heart, healing, forgiveness, and how much potential I had no matter where I was, who I was with, or what I was doing. I did things over those six months that I never thought possible. I walked on fire (literally!); I forgave; I loved myself completely and owned and accepted everything that had been my stumbling blocks in the past; I started lowering the walls that were protecting my heart; I realized that I may be the sole source of my forever happiness, and I was okay with all of it. 

 
From Christmas through May, I enjoyed my time in Colorado. I traveled, made a ton of friends, learned through relationships, and gave myself the freedom to feel again. Throughout those months I heard Tennessee calling me "home" to whatever is was that was waiting there for me. Sometimes I thought I knew what it was, but regardless, I knew I had to go at least for a little while. So, on May 22nd I drove 1,200 miles back to the place that I used to know so well. 
 

At first I didn't know how to feel or what to do. I had certain expectations that didn't play out. I tried to take one day at a time. I enjoyed the company of my friends and the experiences that laid before me. Still, it wasn't quite the same. In mid-August I made the decision to go down to Chattanooga for a couple of months to figure some things out. My parents were there, and I thought, just maybe, I would feel the homeyness with them there. And, I did, but still there was something pulling me back to Nashville.

At the end of October, I drove back to Nashville. I had a job but no where to live. Fortunately I have fantastic friends who always support me and take care of me when I can't figure out how to take care of myself. Over the duration of a few weeks, I stayed in Bridget and Alan's guest room. They took care of me and offered me everything I needed until I figured out a living situation.

That's when it all started to fall into place, and the rest is history.

Now it's April, and I am still in Nashville. Crazy, huh? I am happier now than I ever remember being as an adult. I feel the security, love, and confidence that I have been searching for.  I create my own happiness now and have learned to not just wait around for things to happen. I know that my journey has not stopped; it has just merely changed direction. Before I was wandering aimlessly trying to get by and making the best out of as many experiences through my spontaneous adventures as possible. Now I am experiencing life in a whole new light. I am living life with an open heart and open eyes while appreciating the stability and acceptance for which my heart has been hopelessly searching. Although I continue to take one day at a time, I cannot help but to be ecstatic about the amazing future that I know is ahead of me! I'm not afraid to fall or fail anymore; instead I am embracing those moments and accepting the lessons they have to teach me. Most importantly, I am taking full advantage of the love that this life is giving me and giving back all of my love in return. I am finally home once again.
 

A Simple Reminder of a Father's Love

This morning as I sit in the living room listening to CJ prepare for this show this weekend, a song catches my ear. Being a musician's girlfriend means music is around, always. Most of the time I hear the song, but I don't listen to the song, to the meaning. It's a song written for a father from a woman who is getting married. It's in these moments that I am reminded how great a father's love truly is in a daughter's life: how great my father's love is in my life.

"Today I became his wife, and I'll be your baby girl for life"-- That's it. No matter where this world brings me, whose life I am in at the time, or whatever last name I may take, my daddy is mine and I am his forever. Nothing changes that. His love for me doesn't get replaced; it just continues to strengthen me and shine through despite the obstacles life may throw at me. When I lose the love of another, I know that his love is there to catch me and keep me going. When I find new love, his love is there to encourage me and let me know everything will be okay no matter what the future holds for this heart. On top of all of that, his love is the greatest example of the love I deserve and should embrace with open arms.

He was there for my first bath, my first laugh. He taught me about sports, cars, how a lady should be treated, and about God. He threw the ball outside with me every day after he had worked ten hours, and he told me I was beautiful each day as well. He hugged me, coached me, and was proud of me and continues to do so today. He walked me down the aisle and gave me away. He held me on the dance floor on what was the happiest day of my life. He held me on the day I felt my world was falling apart and was there to pick up the pieces of the mess I had made. He lets me go off to whatever city, state, or country my gypsy-spirit leads me and is always waiting with open arms to welcome me home. He contiues to laugh with me, cry with me, and love me through the good and bad moments in my crazy life. And, no matter if he agrees or not with my decisions, he remains my biggest fan and is proud of the woman he sees when he looks at me.

His love never stops, and I am his baby girl for life.