You Should've Said "No," But I'm Glad You Didn't

It’s easy now to look back at things and be glad that they played out in the exact ways in which they did. For a long time, though, that was not the case.

I used to get super pissed off when Taylor Swift’s “Should Have Said No” came on the radio. Instead of changing the station or skipping to the next track of the CD, I would stubbornly sing it at the top of my lungs with an in-your-face attitude. It was almost like a healing therapy for me for quite some time. But the second the song ended, I was still angry and would let my mind wonder about those disturbing details that, to this day, are still not completely revealed.

Now, however, when that song comes on, I smile. I laugh. I am relieved. Yeah, there are still times when I think he should have said “no” and will completely never understand the concept of cheating, but then quickly, and I mean quickly, I remind myself that if he had simply said “no,” there’s a good chance that I would still be living a mediocre life of repetition and settling for things that society tricked me into believing “makes us happy:”money, marriage, an underpaid, unappreciative job, a membership at the local country club, etc. For some, that is exactly what makes them happy, but not for me. Those things don’t matter if I don’t have a passionate love for what I am doing, who I am spending my time with, and for myself.

Finally, I have come to a complete acceptance of how everything in my life has played out. At times it was a difficult rollercoaster of emotions, but when I think of all the other times that have resulted from his decision to not say “no”… wow! Wow. Wow. Never again will I wonder if there is more to life than I am currently living. Never again will I settle for mediocrity in a relationship, a career, or myself. So, although he should have said “no,” I am glad he didn’t.

 

Three Years Later

If Only I Knew Then What I Know Now

Oh boy, have I learned a lot about life, love, people, communication, compromise, happiness, and commitment throughout this emotional rollercoaster of "adult" life on which I have been. All of those things were important to me throughout my marriage and the five years of dating before we were married, yet I only knew of those things on the surface. I never looked at them on a deeper, more mature level. I didn’t know any better, really. Geez, I was only seventeen when we met and twenty-three when we married. How was I supposed to know those things on a deeper level when I was so young and naive? I needed those eight years to play out exactly like they did for me to someday have a successful personal and family life.

It’s easy now to look back and see when things started to go wrong. There are specific instances that I know I didn’t handle very maturely and constructively. There were moments when it was easier for me to just not say anything and harvest resentment, disgust, and sadness over things he did and said. I internalized everything that happened, everything that he said, and everything that he didn’t say. I focused too much on not getting divorced than I did on rebuilding a love that we once had. I found trust and communication in everyone but him, partly because he wasn’t willing to listen and partly because I was being selfish. At the time it was the thing that was easiest for me as I was disregarding what the best thing for us was. It was the only thing I knew to do.

Now don’t get me wrong: I know that I needed to spend those eight years of my life with him and say goodbye. He was there for a reason, and I wouldn’t do it any differently if I had it to do all over. Everything happens for a reason. Everyone is in our lives for a reason: some stay a short time; some stay a long time; and others stay forever. With that being said, I WILL do things differently in the future.

I won’t walk away so easily if I know in my heart that it is true love. I will fight, I will communicate, I will be respectful, and I will only focus on the positive outcomes that will come from the struggles and the “worse” that every couple faces. I will open my heart and voice my feelings freely and fearlessly. I will listen to my heart but not mute my head. I know that I am worthy of the greatest love in the world, and once I find it, I won’t give up on it. When the other person needs his space, I will give it to him. I will embrace the lessons that need to be learned, and I will use the tools that I have been given to make this life the best one ever. I will love and let myself be loved.

How Can I Not Care Anymore?

I am pretty certain that I will never understand how
someone can so easily cut someone else out of his or her life with just a blink of an eye.  How in the world can a person go from being an important part of one’s life to nothing more than a distant memory, if anything? Maybe it is that I care too much for the people that come into my life and even those who leave my life with or without notice. Maybe I exert too much of my own energy on others; maybe I let my emotions get too involved when someone crosses my path. Regardless of how protective I am of my heart, it seems like it is never enough. No matter how hard I try, I cannot just forget about someone, especially someone who flooded so many of my thoughts and dreams and so much of my time and energy. I cannot write someone off without a second thought, yet I feel as though it is the norm nowadays. How? How is this so easy for so many others but not for me? Maybe I should try to change because it doesn’t seem like the others are willing to budge on this one. How can I begin to not care so much for others and only focus on my feelings and my well-being? What can I do differently so my heart doesn’t continue to feel like this for the period of the earthly life that God has set aside for me? It seems to work so well for everyone else, so how can I do this? I really need to stop getting hurt and consumed in the heartache that goes along with it. What’s the answer? How do I do this? And more importantly, will it ultimately make me feel better about myself and my life, or will it only bring me shame and more heartache? Help...

I Love Small Town USA, Y'all

If anyone knows what it is like to leave the comfort of one's home, it's this girl. Since the end of 2009 on an almost daily basis, I have explored several new places, tried new things, and exposed myself to things that I wouldn't have necessarily been able to do, see, and experience if I would have chosen to stay in the south. I felt limited by my location and couldn't settle with knowing there were so many opportunities out there that I was missing out on by staying put in a place that didn't "feel quite right" to me at that moment. Each time I go back home to visit, I am quickly reminded of why I always choose to leave. Although I love my family, my friends, and several components of the culture that one will only find south of the Mason-Dixon Line, the prevalence of closed-mindedness, judgment, racism, and ignorance that I consistently find there continues to keep me away.

During the entire month of May as I was packing my bags for Tennessee, I listened to several people ask me the question: "Why in the world would you want to go back to the south especially during the summer?" Their reasons being: 1)The summer is the best season in Colorado; 2)There is no humidity here, and it is so humid in the south!!; and 3)There are so many more opportunities here than there are in Tennessee.
Believe me, I have pondered over all of these numerous times as well, and I cannot find any argument against even one of them.

With that being said, the love of my family and friends, the consistency of support, and the feeling of comfort and security that is always present in Tennessee and Georgia keep calling me back. Don't get me wrong: I know a lot of good people around this country, but only a few of the relationships I have outside of the south are relatively similar to the ones that I have back home. When I go home, the relationships are real. They aren't just the semi-temporary ones that I find myself making to "pass the time" until I move on to the next best thing. [Note: I want to stress that I have made some lifelong, lasting friendships throughout my travels (the Savage family in Portland; the McNamaras in Denver; Seve, Aaron, Natalie, and several others in Colorado; Quinton in Iowa; Cam's buddies in Albuquerque etc.) that I hold near and dear to my heart. I am not discrediting any of those!!!] There is nothing quite like coming back home after some crazy move/adventure and knowing that the hugs, laughs, and quality time that will be spent with my family and friends will be exactly like it was the moment that I packed my bags and left the last time.

I know from time to time I can be rather harsh to the south: its culture, the people, the lifestyle, etc., but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't change a thing about how and where I grew up. It's the small town feeling that keeps bringing me back. It's the feeling of unity when watching an SEC football game no matter which two teams are playing, the respect felt from a gentleman as he opens and holds the door for every lady walking in or out of a building, the smiles and excitement when any Johnny Cash or Hank Williams Jr. song is played at a honky tonk, and the dependability that no matter where you are, there will be plenty of sweet tea and old ladies blessing your heart. The south really is "small town USA," and that is why I keep coming back.

If and when I decide to leave again, which we all know will surely be sooner rather than later, just know that it is nothing against the people or the culture. It is me spreading my wings and experiencing as much as I can out of life while I am able. It is my drifter ways that make me who I am. Although I am curious about other cultures and people who are different than I am, I will always be proud of our "small town USA" ways and the people that I call my family and friends. When I joke about the south, it is only out of love and respect. When I am upset with the closed-mindedness stereotype and need some space to explore on my own, it is for personal growth and the betterment of myself. When I walk away or get on the next flight to who-knows-where-ville, I promise I will always come back home to Tennessee and to the people who love me and those that I love the most.

 

The "Nice Guy" v. The "Bad Boy"

After a failed marriage, one serious relationship that my heart definitely wasn’t ready for, a lost best-friendship resulted from a silly summer romance, a dissolved quick-paced relationship that found me head-over-heels the moment I met him, and one mega crush on someone whom I desperately wanted in my life forever, I have so much to say when it comes to falling for the wrong guy. Sometimes I feel as though my heart could not ever again handle even the smallest break.  Each time I open up, let my walls down, and welcome someone even the slightest bit close to my heart, inevitably something goes terribly wrong. Even the one guy, the “nice, good guy,” who I thought could never do harm to my heart and to my spirit ended up causing me pain and caused me to start all over at square-one, the place I thought I had finally left behind forever.

The situation is almost always the same: One guy. Me. He chases me and presents himself as “the nice guy” who is “different from the other losers” (his words, not mine) that I’ve dated in the past. He always questions the ones who have let me go, calling them “crazy” and “unworthy,” among several other non-lady-like adjectives that I opt to leave up to your imagination. Understandably so, I am somewhat slow to trust and open up completely using every defense mechanism that I have created over the past few years to ensure my heart is protected this time...ha! He continues to pursue me somewhat patiently until I finally let my guard down and begin to trust him (silly, girl!), and almost simultaneously, he deuces. The common reasons for his departure: 1) He cannot trust me (that in essence means that he has trust issues that he has yet to deal with, he doesn’t trust himself, and/or the thought of my long list of guy friends is intimidating to him); 2) He says he is not ready for what he wants to have with me; 3) He really is the a-hole that he proclaimed he was on the first night we met; or 4) I hear the famous last words: “You deserve better.” Oh yeah, I always (insert sarcasm here) love that last one. It’s the nice-guy-way of saying that he is no longer interested. Nice, indeed.

I’ll be the first to admit that girls rarely give the so-called nice guy a second thought. We are, without a doubt, attracted to the bad-boy who is an adventure and an inevitably short-term heck of a good time that will ultimately leave us crying over lost hopes and dreams and with a heart that is broken into a million pieces. Although we know deep down that this will be the outcome, we can’t help but to wonder if this one is different and hope that he will one day see the potential in himself that we have seen in him since the very beginning of the foolish love affair. Silly, silly girls, we are. But what if we are actually smart when it comes to our choices in men? Maybe?!

Here’s my theory: The nice girl gets her heart broken by the nice guy, so she then decides to go after the bad boy because, although he will almost certainly leave her broken-hearted, she is somewhat prepared for what the future holds with him. If, in some miraculous way, he becomes a better man because of her and holds on to her forever, she wins. If he plays out to be the person she knows deep down that he is/could be, then she is left saddened and may even experience a broken heart, but she was somewhat expecting it, so she will use that stumbling block as a lesson learned and she will only be strengthened and more confident in herself and what she wants for her future. However, if she goes after the nice guy and he turns out to be just like the bad boys, then she is disheartened and will surely give up hope in all men. He was the “nice guy,” remember?  If the nice guy is the same as the bad boy, what’s the point? It’s as simple as that. Take it from me; it’s just easier that way. I have had my heart broken by both the nice guy and the bad boy.  At least with the bad boys, I wasn’t totally shocked and the time we spent together was extremely fun and super exciting. Just sayin’.

By the way, I hope I am wrong. Although I have a lot of research and outcomes to support my theory, I truly hope that someday it will be proven wrong. I would still like to hope that there are good, nice guys out there. I know a few (my dad, my brother, a couple of my friends), and hopefully one day I will know another.  Come and prove me wrong, but until then, I will be slow to trust and love.