To Cheat or Not to Cheat?... stop... Nope, That Shouldn't Even Be a Question...

in·fi·del·i·ty [in-fi-del-i-tee] (from dictionary.com)
noun, plural in·fi·del·i·ties.

     1. marital disloyalty; adultery.

    2. unfaithfulness; disloyalty.
    3. lack of religious faith, especially Christian faith.
    4. a breach of trust or a disloyal act; transgression.

I get out a lot; therefore, I see a lot. Usually I just turn my cheek, try not to judge, and go on having fun regardless of what others are doing around me. Last night I allowed myself to stand back and observe the behaviors of my fellow bar patrons. As I was watching the female tourists dance in their not-yet-broken-in cowboy boots, the male creepers staring at them from their proudly assigned bar stools, and the older ladies turning up their noses at the "dirty dancing" taking place during the band's mediocre cover of "Drunk on You," I could not help but maintain my attention on the slew of unfaithfulness that was booming all around that bar/ dance floor. Throughout the night I witnessed what seemed to be men and women (some wearing wedding bands, some not) act in ways that were anything but appropriate. Although I wouldn't go so far as calling one of these guys my "friend," I am acquaintances with one of them, and I know good and well that he is in a relationship and his girlfriend is alive (and madly in love with him, to say the least). As he was spinning a really cute girl (who was not his girlfriend) around the dance floor and kissing her all the while, I wondered how many times this happens. It seemed so nonchalant and almost normal and innocent in a very sad, sickening way.

As I stood there watching all of this go on around me, I couldn't help but to wonder how many times this went on undetected while I was married and/or in a relationship. I know it happened, but there is no telling how many times and how many of my exes were guilty of this. I am not bitter or angry at the men of my past, but it sure does make me hesitant and uneasy about any potential men of my future. I used to be one of the most trusting women-which was probably part of the problem- and I still consider myself pretty chill and trusting once you've convinced me that you can be trusted. However, I am much more cautious and aware that things like this do and will happen way too often.

This morning I spent some time researching infidelity statistics and reading articles on the subject. As I was reading through an article on MSNCB.com (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17951664/ns/health-sexual_health/t/many-cheat-thrill-more-stay-true-love/), I came upon these quotes from unfaithful people that took an infidelity survey:

---“Mostly I’ve cheated because of the excitement,” writes a 38-year-old man who took the survey. “I like variety and a more wild sex life than I’ve been able to enjoy with relationship partners."

---“I was miserable in my marriage of nine years,” writes a 28-year-old woman who ended up divorcing her husband to be with her affair partner. “My husband and I never had sex and the sex we did have was boring!”

Really!? It is a sad world that we live in. 
This brings me to the point of my blog:

Why cheat? Why be unfaithful? Why not just be honest with your significant other? If you aren't happy, you have some choices: talk with your partner, seek help, spice up your relationship, or break up. But don't cheat. If you want to cheat (or have a variety of people in your life), don't be in a relationship. And if you can't talk with your partner about serious issues, problems, concerns, etc., then y'all have no reason even being in a relationship. Seriously, cheating shouldn't even be an option. Someone will ALWAYS get hurt, and in the beginning- and maybe even the end- chances are it won't be you.

(PS- Thank you to this sweet survey-guy who gives good women like myself some hope that there are good men out there. So sweet. Where can I find a guy like this???: "For some, remaining faithful is the ultimate symbol of dedication. 'She is the love of my life,' writes one 31-year-old man about his wife. 'I searched years to find her and I would never want to ruin what took so long to find.'" Awwe.)

Past + Present + Future= Your Happiness

These ideas have been whirling around in my head for a while, but I've pushed them away or other things have taken precedence over them. I think it's about time that I give them some thought, so here it goes....
Almost every day I look at my life and what I am doing with it. On the days I don’t look at it, I am either (1) not proud of what I see, so I turn the other cheek—not the best option, btw— or (2) am too busy living in the moment that I realize worrying about the past or what is yet to come is irrelevant to me at that exact moment.

Regardless of which direction I choose on any given day, I believe it is extremely important to look at one’s life, the events that led up to it, and the goals to get one to where he or she desires to go. I’m not saying dwell on the past, and I am surely not saying plan every detail of the future. What I am saying is there should be a good balance of the past, present, and future in life and what one does with it.

Some say, “Leave the past in the past.” Why? What’s the reasoning behind that? Isn’t the past the responsible party that got you where you are today? Even if you had a slew of unfathomable events that happened to you over the past ten years, did nothing good come from that? That’s hard for me to believe. Surely, even in the darkest times, some lessons were learned, tools were created, and/or good (in one shape or another) appeared.

Others argue “live in the moment.” This is the one I agree with the most, but I also think it is a good idea to access one’s past and future while doing the whole living-in-the-moment thing.  I guess what I am saying is don’t forget where you came from and what/who made you who you are today. On the flip side, make sure you are making the best of today so if you are given tomorrow, it can be ever better.

And then there are those who only live for the future. The ones who plan, plan, plan and worry, worry, worry. I can definitely relate to these people because this was me from ages 0-25.  I always had a plan and did everything I could to control the events that would make my plan successful. If things weren’t perfect and didn’t go according to plan, I either worried or panicked: worried because I was unprepared and didn’t know what would happen next, or panicked because I wasn’t used to life not working out according to the plan (because 10 times out of 10, it did… seriously). Wow, was I wrong (for me and my happiness)! I am more than grateful that my “plans” (ha!) didn’t play out and that He had better, greater plans in mind for me. With that being said, having an idea of what you want for tomorrow and goals to work towards will never hurt anyone. Just be aware that your "plans" are just that: plans (and maybe not reality).

So, here's my challenge to you and to myself: Take some time to look at your life: the past, the present, the future.

The Past: What happened to get you where you are? What tools did those events provide for you to use in the life you have now? Instead of focusing on the “bad” and “unfair” things that happened (note: past tense), would it be in your better interest to focus on the “lessons learned” and put those lessons to use in a more positive, constructive manner? Maybe not, and you are the only judge of that. It’s your life. If you think you are serving yourself better by letting the past lead you, go right ahead. The most important thing is that YOU are happy with the way YOU are living YOUR life.

The Present: How are you living TODAY... right now? Are you happy? If so, why? If not, what can you change this second that will make you happy and put a smile on your face? (Maybe you don't want happiness and it's not a priority to you. If that's the case and you aren't happy, then you are apparently right on track. Good job! You can stop reading now.) How are you using the tools that you've been given to make you and your happiness the best, ever? What can you do today that will improve you, your family, your career, and your overall wellness? If you are waiting for something more, why wait? What would doing it right NOW hurt?

The Future: What do you want for yourself in the future? What are your priorities and what can't you live without? How are you preparing yourself today to make tomorrow even better? If things don't work out exactly how you are expecting, are you ready to laugh it off and judge it as lessons learned and not as failure? If so, good for you!! If not, what do you need to be doing to get to that mindset? Are there things that you want, need, or desire that you can have today? If so, why wait for tomorrow?

Life is complicated, but it can also be fun! Smile, laugh, love, be happy. XOXO

"You say it. Right then. Out loud. Otherwise, the moment just… Passes you by."

Every time I watch this scene from My Best Friend’s Wedding (and I’ve watched it approximately 327 times because it’s one of my favorite movies, ever!), I honestly think that Jules is going to confess her love to Michael. And each time the boat passes under the bridge in silence, I am left disappointed and yelling at the screen. Yep, I’m that girl…but that’s beside the point. Why doesn’t she tell him how she feels? It’s completely obvious that Jules is madly in love with Michael, yet she lets the moment pass her by. How aggravating!!!!!

Jules= the majority of the world’s population. Why don’t we, the strong, independent, individuals that we are, speak with our hearts? I have a hunch that most of us would have done the same thing as Jules chose to do had we have been put in that situation. But why? What do we have to lose? Our pride? Really?! The worst thing that possibly could have happened on that boat if she would have said “I love you” to Michael is if he replied with, “I’m flattered, but I am in love with Kimmie.” In my opinion that would have been a lot better of an alternative than stealing a catering truck, getting bombarded by some crazy women in a baseball stadium bathroom, and crying like a maniac talking about pond scum in a train station. Just sayin’.

If I have learned anything over the last eleven years of relationships, it is to speak with your heart. Believe me, if you don’t, you will (1) drive yourself crazy, (2) regret it for as long as you live, (3) or will always wonder “what if?”

I didn’t always live so fearlessly. I usually took the “sensible,” “safe,” and, dare I say, “easy” path in life. I am (well, was…ok, still am a little) really bad at failure. If I knew I couldn’t be the best at something, I wouldn’t even attempt it (i.e. gymnastics at the age of five; piano at the age of eleven… sorry mom!). And if I did attempt it and wasn’t an instant star, I stopped as soon as I started. But what in the world was that teaching me? Nothing. It was actually hurting me. For 25 years, I succeeded and had virtually the easiest life, ever. True story. But then when my world did fall apart (or so it seemed like it was falling apart then) in 2009, I did not have the appropriate tools to survive. I didn’t know what to do when things weren’t perfect: when I wasn’t perfect (gasp!).

I always made decisions based on my mind, not on my heart. I did what society, what my parents, and what my peers expected me to do. Funny thing is back then I thought I was happy living life like that. To tell you the truth, I cannot remember if I was truly happy then or not. Part of me thinks I was programmed to be happy because I lived life the “right” way. Ha...

Boy, have things changed! I rarely make decisions based on my head anymore (not saying that’s a good thing; just saying I am soooo much happier because of it now). I let me heart lead me. Since 2009 when I finally started listening to my heart and not what my mind, society, or anyone else had to say, I have been (and am) so much happier. I say how I feel (not always, even I chicken out sometimes) and try to live without regrets. I have found that I don’t beat myself up nearly as badly if I hear “no,” and the results of speaking and living with my heart are so much better (and easier to deal with) than the feeling of “failure” I felt in the past.

This is easier said than done; I know. I still struggle with it and have to say to myself: “What in the world do you have to lose? Just think of what you can gain!” If “no” is the worst possible thing that can happen, so what?! You hear it once and move on...either soon or later…but eventually you WILL move on. You take the lesson and turn it into greatness. It’s a win-win.

Over the course of six months last year by speaking with my heart, I lost a best friend who I thought would always be in my life, but in the end I gained strength, life lessons, and an even greater sense of self-love that I never knew was possible. Had I not listened to my heart and let it lead me, I would still be questioning my decisions and would not be where I am today (self-satisfied and completely happy with my choices, moves, and the life-changing events that have taken place over the past three years). It’s worth it. Something bigger and better is waiting for you (and for me) out there!! You just have to get it to, and you will if you open your mind and let your heart speak. In the end you owe no one anything, but you owe yourself (and your heart) everything.  Listen to your heart. It’s right, I tell ya.