Smile My Best Smile

"I'm gonna smile my best smile. I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style..."

Six months ago we lost the best smile I've ever seen. Although it was no doubt the goofiest smile that has ever walked this earth, it was the BEST smile EVER! He smiled his best smile all the time. He laughed and loved and lived better than anyone... all the time and always with a smile on his face.

Seven weeks ago we lost an equally great smile: the best smile CJ has ever seen. The smile that was a constant on his face and then instantly on the faces of those around him as it was contagious. Even throughout the final days of his life here with us, he was laughing and joking and smiling that huge, sweet smile.

These days without those smiles are some of the hardest we have ever experienced. Daily it is a battle to remember to smile, be happy, and be as positive as these two men were.

In the fifteen years I was blessed to have him as my best friend, I cannot recall a time when Cam wasn't smiling. In the nineteen months I was blessed to know him as my husband's father, I cannot recall a time when Chuck wasn't smiling. I know, like in everyone's life, there were hard times, sad times, struggles, and even pain in both of their lives. However, no matter the magnitude of these times, they consistently chose happiness. They chose to smile in the dark times and dance in the rain. They could light up a room with their laughter and joy even when on the inside they may be hurting or unhappy.

These are the men who made others smile. These are the men who made us smile. Now they are in heaven (and probably together causing havoc) making everyone up there smile and blessing the lives of the angels they are now amongst. Today, as we scramble trying to make sense of all of this and tell ourselves things like "they would want us to remain happy" and "we need keep their smile alive," we cannot help but to feel sadness in our hearts and an emptiness that realistically can never be replaced.

So tonight, as I sit here in my Cameron memorial t-shirt sipping Cabernet out of a Arkansas Razorback wine glass, I try to remember to smile my best smile as I think about all of the memories I wouldn't have if God didn't give me the time He gave me with these two men... The time that He gave each one of us with these guys. Even if you have never had the pleasure of personally meeting either or both of them, I guarantee if you are reading this your life has been touched in one way or another by them- through a picture, through a song, by knowing one of their family members or friends, through a memory, and even more likely through a smile.

For those of you who are struggling right now with the loss of your favorite smile and feel as though "This learning to live again is killing [you]," look through those pictures, think back upon those memories, listen to that song, watch that silly video, do something that will make you smile your best smile while honoring the one you love. I know it's hard! Believe me, I know it is! And, if you still can't find a way to put that smile on your face, I can help. Well actually, they can help.....

My Goodbye to You

Cam,

It's been eight weeks since I last heard your voice over the phone as we discussed a possible last-minute trip to Nashville. You were toying with the idea of coming for the night, but instead, you stayed in Texas to visit with family before going to Portland for a few days. 

Portland. The one place I remember you always wanting to go. You had asked me a few times throughout 2011-2012 to take a weekend off and travel there with you. I always had an excuse, but, in all reality, I just wasn't ready to face a tough time in my life that took me away from Portland the year prior. Anyway, when I read that you were at the Portland airport early that Monday morning, I smiled big knowing that you had always wanted to go. And knowing you better than most, I knew you'd get there because if you want something, you make it happen. That's you. It was always was.

Then we didn't talk the rest of the week- which wasn't abnormal. We knew that when the other was traveling, it was understood that we'd call whenever we were back to reality and then share our amazing experiences. Little did I know then that after your trip I wouldn't be hearing your voice on the other line; it was your mother's.

It's still not real sometimes. Many mornings I wake up from a dream of you, wishing, hoping that just as quickly as I awoke, I could fall right back to sleep to that dream, to you. But I can't... I can't.

Cameron, you were more than just my friend. You were my best friend. My brother. The one person who knows me better than anyone. You were my friend when no one else even knew I needed one. You saw me at my worst moments and my best. You would shoot me straight when everyone else sugar-coated it. You weren't fooled by the walls I put up. You were patient yet stern when I was being "a girl." You teased me, lovingly, knowing that's what I needed in that moment. You could put a smile on my face when I couldn't do that for myself. You protected me, yet you knew my strength and helped me see it myself.

In 2009 when I needed to leave Georgia momentarily, I drove to Batesville, Mississippi because that's where you were. In 2010 when I decided to backpack through Europe and couchsurf by myself, you called me "crazy" but insisted I go and spread my wings. In 2011 when no one else was within a 1200-mile radius of me, you were only a six-hour drive away. We probably spent more time together between 2011-2012 than I spent with anyone. You were always in Denver; I was always in Albuquerque. It's funny to think back on that year. Looking back now it makes perfect sense why I spontaneously moved to Colorado late that June. I needed to be near you, but far enough away to learn that I was okay with just being with myself. And just as much as I needed you then, you needed me. You learned just as much about life and yourself in that year that I did. It's truly amazing, really. 

When Blake Shelton released the song "God Gave Me You" in 2011, I remember calling you the first time I heard it and asked you to listen to it. That was exactly how I felt about you. It's not by coincidence that our lives have played out as they have: God moved us both to Tennessee in 1991, and slowly but surely our paths crossed.  We went to church together at St. Paul's UMC as children and then to S.T.O.M.P. at New Hope Baptist as teenagers. He then provided both of us jobs at Nashville Shores during the summers of our high school years.We both moved away from Tennessee in 2007 and slowly found ourselves out west in Colorado and New Mexico in 2011. It was all in His plan. He knew we needed each other. He knew I couldn't do it out there all alone without my best friend a few hours away, and He knew the same was true for you. God gave me you in all the ups and downs of my life. You were always right there waiting for me to see the good that would come of any situation, cheering me along and celebrating with me at the finish line of life's obstacles. Yes, with a beer in hand. We even have the mugs to prove it. 


When CJ and I decided to move our wedding date from August 30th to April 12th, we did it with his father in mind. We had no idea then that maybe the reason for the sudden change in date was you. And, we changed it on March 17th- St. Paddy's Day. Weird. Anyway, when I called to tell you about it, you said that you weren't working that weekend, but you would be in Mississippi with Sheana that weekend. I understood that you were always stretched thin when you would come to visit, so I didn't give it another thought.  

CJ's friends asked him to go downtown the Monday night before our wedding for his bachelor party. He met them at Tootsies that night, and they found their way to Legends. According to CJ, for over 30 minutes, the guys begged him to leave Legends to go to another bar, but he wanted to stay and watch his friend who was playing the guitar. After their unrelenting requests, he gave in and headed towards the door. As he walked out of the front door, you were coming in it. You were in Nashville! Wow. He said the two of you hung out the rest of the night.

I remember waking up to a picture text message from you. It was a picture of you and CJ and the caption read, "I'm keeping him in check!" At first I thought, "What?! You're in Nashville??" and "Hey, wait! You should be at my party, not CJ's!" But then I was so thankful that you were there with him- my two favorite guys on the night celebrating his soon-to-be marriage with me. The next morning you called to see about lunch. Tuesdays were always the busiest day for me at work, but our meeting ended early, so we planned to meet for a quick lunch in Brentwood. I called CJ, and we all met at the hibachi grill across from our apartment. That was the last time I saw you. April 8th. That was the last time I sat next to you and in between the two men in my life. That was the last time I laughed with you, shared with you, and hugged you. If I would have known that then, I wouldn't have let go. I would have hugged you tighter. I would have taken off work that afternoon and hung out with you longer. I would have invited myself to your dad's birthday dinner the next night like old times. I would have bought him a tray of cookies and ate the first row before arriving at their house with them in hand. We would have laughed and reminisced all night long.

When I learned that you were missing early that Friday morning, CJ shared with me parts of the conversation the two of you shared the night of his bachelor party. Thanks a lot for explaining me to him. (Part of me is being facetious right now...). ;) However, you said it all exactly right. You nailed it on the head when you told him about my defensive mechanisms and how I would never let anyone hurt me ever again. You explained the walls that I've put up for various reasons and the work I've done to tear some of them down. You were giving him the tools that he would need when he'd take me as his wife. You were giving him insight to the part of me that only you knew.  I know he will forever be grateful for that night he shared with you. I know that I will forever be grateful that he heard it from you and that he knows how much you loved me, protected me, and were there for me before he was ever brought into my life. Thank you for being in Nashville that night, and thank you for having lunch with us the next day.

So now I sit here, seven weeks later. It's taken me this long to get anything down on paper, yet the thoughts have been spiraling around in my mind nonstop. This is the hardest part: ending this letter to you. What do I say? We've had the BEST times together (and some of the worst). Together we've witnessed/shared marriages, births, deaths, graduations, bike riding fiascoes, lost loves, new loves, brewery tours, traveling adventures, festivals, new jobs, streaking escapades, multi-country adventures, many moves to new places, avoided jail for trespassing at Nashville Shores and Red Rocks, and more laughs than could ever be fair to anyone else. Our families are each other's family. Our friends are each other's friends. 

Life will never be the same without you. It will never be as happy, as loving, as exciting. It will never be okay when I pick up the phone and call you only to remember you aren't there to talk to me. It will never be the same going downtown to The Stage and Paradise Park without seeing you in your ten-year old t-shirt, white socks, and shorts. Colorado will never be the same. Drinking a New Belgium brew will never be the same. Hearing 1,000+ songs that remind me of you will never be the same. Hot-air balloons, Tour de Fat, Jack-in-the-Box drive-thrus, classic country music, Irish anything, water features, loud talking, getting lost, The Slick Pig, stout beer, seeing Michael Blakely.... there's a million things I could write here... none of it will ever be the same without you here.

I miss you nonstop. I think of you nonstop. I will forever love you nonstop. And I will forever be thankful that God chose you to be my best friend for half of my life. Thank you for so many wonderful moments and memories that will forever be in my heart and on my mind. Your legend will forever live on, Cam.

We All Have A Story- Part II

This is a follow-up to a blog I wrote in September 2012 titled "We All Have a Story." (http://thelifeofamoderndaynomad.blogspot.com/2012/09/we-all-have-story.html)

In a previous blog, after meeting and interacting with a young, homeless girl, Katie, on the streets of Chattanooga, I wrote the following words:  

I need to take the time to ask and listen. I need to learn about others and understand their stories before I just assume their situations. I need to love others as much as I love myself because I know that the love I have inside of me may make a difference in the life of someone else who doesn’t understand or know love like I do... Until then I will listen to those around me. I will understand and not assume. I will open up my mind and heart to whatever it is the world wants me to know and learn. I will share my story to those who want to know it. I will strive to make a difference in whatever ways I am destined to do so.

Since then I have thought about Katie every now and again. Sometimes I have also forgotten to have a conscious mind of the lives of others. There have been plenty of days when I think to myself: “Erin, you don’t know where they’ve been. You don’t know their story. You don’t know what life is throwing at them right now.” Yet, there have been plenty of other days when I’m oblivious, judgmental, and cruel in my thoughts towards others.

This morning during a conversation about judging others for things they may indirectly do that interfere in our own lives made me remember these words I had written so long ago. We all face challenges and need understanding from time to time, and we also all judge others for the challenges that they may be facing that we have no knowledge of and may even refuse to acknowledge. Think about it. Think about the last time you were ticked off because of something some stranger unknowingly did to you. You know: that guy who is driving crazily down the interstate, weaving in and out of traffic, trying so hard to win the race in the Nashville I-40 500, who causes several to honk, cuss, and think bad, negative thoughts which could result in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Or the woman who is fifteen minutes late boarding the plane to a flight when the other 299 passengers have been anxiously and angrily ready and waiting on her arrival only to be met with boos and dirty looks. 

Now, let’s take a minute to think about where that man racing down the interstate may be going. He may be going to meet his friends for a beer and doesn’t want to miss kick-off. He may be going to work and overslept, so he uses speed to make up for time. He may, however, be racing to the hospital because his wife of fifty years was in a life-threatening car accident and was life-flighted to Vanderbilt. Or he may be on his way to St. Thomas where his four-year old son is being treated for Leukemia, but he had to be away from him for eight hours to go to work to pay the piles of bills that still cannot be paid on time. Who knows? A good guess would be not one person in that line of cars who honked at him or gave him the old salute of the middle finger that day as he was in a hurry to get wherever he was going.

How about the woman who was late to board her flight causing the other passengers to be late to wherever they are going? She could have spent thirty extra minutes trying on seventy different outfits to only conclude she has “nothing to wear.” She may have been sucked into Farmville or Candy Crush and couldn’t pull herself away from the computer soon enough to make it to the airport in time. She may, however, be on her way to be with her sick mother who lives on the other side of the country, and before she boarded the plane, she had to get her three children dressed, packed, and carried to the designated babysitter, all by herself, of course, because her soldier husband died oversees in battle three months prior. Who knows? A good guess would be not one person on that plane who booed her as she clumsily shuffled down the narrow aisle of dirty looks and judgmental stares.

So, again I am reminded that I need to remember that everyone has a story. That story may change from day to day. That story may be more affected by one’s childhood or more affected by a specific recent event. Regardless, it is story I do not know. A story that may or may not be a good one. A story that I may never know or may never want to know because it is too heart-breaking. A story that I am not in control of or have anything to do with. The only thing that I am in control of is my actions, thoughts, and love towards others. I can choose to judge, or I can choose to take my own advice: 

I need to take the time to ask and listen. I need to learn about others and understand their stories before I just assume their situations. I need to love others as much as I love myself because I know that the love I have inside of me may make a difference in the life of someone else who doesn’t understand or know love like I do... Until then I will listen to those around me. I will understand and not assume. I will open up my mind and heart to whatever it is the world wants me to know and learn. I will share my story to those who want to know it. I will strive to make a difference in whatever ways I am destined to do so.

I challenge you to think about this as well. Think about it the next time you see a homeless man on the streets who is too proud to take a dollar from anyone. Think about it the next time you witness an angry woman in the line at a grocery store. Think about it the next time a person may accidently cause you miss your connecting flight (and it is not the end of the world, but whatever is going on in his/her life could, in fact, be the end of their world). Think about it the next time you find yourself getting angered because of what someone else is doing or how he/she is dealing with whatever life is throwing at them that day, week, month, or year. Chances are, at that very moment, all they need is love: a smile, a kind word, an understanding glance. And, chances are, you’ll feel better because of this positive interaction as well.

 

Magic

He is magical. I am magical. We are magic together.  That is the thing that matters. It’s not the big fancy house, the fast sports car, the thousands of dollars in the bank account: it’s the magic. Alone we are fantastic individuals, and when we come together we are so much more. The happiness that beams from our faces, the sparkle in our eyes, and the love in our hearts. That’s it. That’s what I have waited for all these years. That is what I have fought so hard to find. That is for what I have been preparing my heart and my life. That is what my ultimate destiny has always been.

When I witness other love relationships is when I really see the magic he and I share. I’ve seen it before between others a time or two, and luckily for me it was the first example of a love relationship to which I have ever been exposed.  My parents still have that magic. Shoot, they may even be more magical now than they were thirty years ago. In fact, there have been quite a few times when I’ve (unfortunately) felt somewhat set up for disaster because their love is so great and true. How could I ever reach the perfect, once in a lifetime love that my parents found? It couldn’t be the “norm,” and my experiences and the other examples I have seen have proven that is not the “norm.” Now that I have found that kind of love myself, I am thankful that was the example I had to follow. My heart would have never been 100% happy with anything less. And, yes, it is easy to say that now. 

I am so thankful to God for making me be extremely patient in my life’s journey. I am thankful that He has always loved me and strengthened me to be ready for a godly man. I am thankful for the lessons I needed to learn and the heartache and healing my heart had to go through to fully appreciate everything that I have in my life at this moment. I am so thankful to my parents whose magical example taught me what true love is all about and how a partnership can and does work in a loving environment.  I am thankful to my mother for teaching me to respect and love myself first and foremost and then how to give the same amount of love to only a man who is worthy. I am thankful to my father who is the first man to love me. I am thankful that he taught me how a man should love a woman and to never accept anything less. I am thankful to them both for loving each other and allowing the three of us to witness that love still to this day.  And, I am thankful to the man who accepts and appreciates the love I have to give him each day and gives all of his heart and love to me in return. I am thankful for this day and every day that may come that we are the love and the magic that we share together. After all, that is the thing that matters.

Buying Myself Flowers

I have spent some time this morning reflecting on how much influence we allow others to have on who we are as a person: on our happiness, our self-esteem, our confidence in any given circumstance, on our overall well-being and path in life. It makes perfectly good sense why we do it: we are trained to be motivated (positively and negatively) by external things. As children we are disciplined, praised, encouraged, made to feel certain ways in certain moments, and made to not feel certain ways other times- all by someone or something else. I'm certain that it all comes from good intentions as our parents and authority figures have the job of training us to become “productive members” in society.

Unfortunately many people do not realize that with time comes change; it’s evitable- change in ourselves, change in society, change in the progression of behavior- and our programs can be rewritten to best fit who we are at any given time and in any given environment. (It’s part of Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Not familiar with NLP? Google it! It’s fascinating, and I have found that there is much truth in the theory). More importantly what many do not understand is that internal motivation/self-confidence should ultimately triumph over every obstacle/harmful person that one might face along life’s way.

With that being said, I will be the first to admit how hard that is to remember sometimes. I pride myself in having an overall high and healthy amount of confidence. I love who I am, where I’ve been, and the future of happiness that lies ahead of me. Yet, there are times when I allow someone or something to negatively affect that. It may be a comment, an action, or merely a tone of voice sent in my direction. Whatever it is that may take place, for a moment (and sometimes for quite a few moments), I allow that smidge of whatever- disrespect, negativity, disappointment, cruelty- make a ding in my self-esteem. Over time those little dings add up to a larger dent, and if I [subconsciously] allow them to, they eventually cause a wall to be built up, a little coldness to seep into my heart, and/or maybe a semi-permanent decrease in how I value who I am as a person.  

Yep, all because of something or someone else.

When I really narrow it down to the raw facts, it is sad. It’s sad that we give others so much credit and ownership of something in which we should be in control. One’s self-worth. The word “self” is defined as the evaluation by oneself of one's worth as an individual in distinction from one's interpersonal or social roles (http://www.merriam-webster.com/ dictionary/self-definition). Keyword: One. That’s it, just one. Número uno. So in all reality, it should only take the one person to change, affect, value, etc. the value of oneself. However, that is not generally the case.

Here’s where the change comes in. As individuals we must be the ones who change that mindset in ourselves and then change that mindset in the generations to come. I must be the one to change how I allow others to affect me. You must be the one to change how you allow others to affect you. Easy? Yes and no. The hard part will be just remembering and getting that to become the automatic response once we have reprogrammed our individual patterns in our brains. The easy (and fun!) part will be creating happiness for ourselves, and it all starts with feeling good about one’s self. It’s hard for me to believe that anyone on this planet would purposely choose to feel unhappy with who he or she is as a person. So, that really should be the easy part- choosing to be happy with who we are as an individual and holding that view higher than anyone else’s view of who we are.

First step for me today: I went and bought myself flowers. Flowers make me feel good. They are a symbol of love and appreciation, so it only made sense that I would give them to myself.

What will be your first step today in loving and appreciating who you are?

Finding Balance: Being Erin & A "Road Widow"

I have struggled quite a bit over the past two weeks. It’s funny, really, because when CJ and I first met, he “warned” me of this touring stuff. He would tell me stories of not being able to freely communicate whenever we wanted, of him leaving on Thursdays and coming home on Sundays (and then times when he’d be gone weeks at a time), and of the loneliness I may feel when he is away. I was very spoiled in the beginning since we did start dating during the off-season. From December to March, he was home. We were able to focus on us, our love, and on the life we were creating together. Yeah, he played all over downtown at least five days a week, but it was exciting! I could go see him whenever I wanted, and he was always there when I woke up in the morning. After living that life for a few months, I was confident that I had it all figured out and his touring wouldn't bother me one bit. Ha! Was I wrong!

I was convinced that I- the super independent, gypsy, free-spirited, strong woman that I am- could handle anything and I’d actually enjoy being alone (since I was used to it and content with it before I even met the guy). March wasn’t so hard, but I sure did miss him. Then, he was on a nationwide tour in June and July. That was different, and I missed him even more, but I was still okay. Then, this month-long radio tour came along. Geez.

I guess I got so used to his other schedules (and focusing on taking care of his sister who lived with us for the first six months of our relationship) that my expectations quickly needed to be adjusted and I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I realized that I was spending my days worrying about what he was doing, where he was, how many hours were left until he’d be home, or really if he’d even get to come home the next weekend. Then, I had back problems and felt “abandoned” when he had to leave to go back on the road. I was so focused on his career, his schedule, his arrivals, etc. that I forgot to focus any of my energy on ME. I didn't actively participate in my hobbies. I didn't have a schedule of my own because I didn't have any leftover time to focus on it (…or so I thought). I confused “support” of him and his passion with my own breathing, eating, and living of HIS life. That wasn't what he needed or what was making me happy. My job was lacking, and watching him live his dreams each and every day while I wasn't did not make any of this any easier. [I realize now that was so unfair to both of us. Live and learn, huh?]

Then, I woke up. All of this was me- me unhappy with myself, unhappy with the lack of a passionate career, unhappy with how my life has turned out because of the decisions I've made and wouldn't change in a heartbeat. He and I talked about my “unhappiness,” our roles within this life of ours together and ours individually, and how things could be if I would just concentrate on myself a little more. He’s fine; he needs my love and support, but he doesn't need me to remember every little detail or worry about him all the time. I wasn't, though, because I forgot about myself and my wants and needs that only I can fulfill. (Oh my goodness... When did I become that woman???)

The moment I decided to remember myself, my needs, and my interests is the moment that I found this blog: http://roadwidows.com/ . It’s fantastic. It helps me to not beat myself up too much and it also helps me to hold myself accountable. Now when I get an e-mail to update me on the latest posting, I send it to him, and we talk about it together whenever we've both had a chance to read it. We can relate, and it helps us realize we are and will be okay. We’re not alone, and it can work! Now I am actively focusing my time and energy on once again starting up my career- one that I can be passionate about and get just as much love and satisfaction from if he’s here or if he’s on the road. I know that this is still just beginning. Eight months into this and two weeks away from our first completed tour-season still classifies me as a “rookie.” Luckily I have the love of the greatest man I know and the support/advice of the strong Road Widows- I will be fine. Everything will be fine. 

Remembering to Be Happy

Happiness- it is a choice. At any given moment we can choose to be happy or get upset or hold a grudge or forgive. Oh, emotions. Oh, happiness. Being happy, staying happy... happy, happy, happy... it is easier said than done sometimes. Lately it has been much easier said than done for me. I know that I control my emotions and I know that I am the only one who will make me happy or will allow myself to feel unhappy.  Yet, sometimes, it is difficult to decipher that through all of the life going on around me.

Instead it tends to be "easier" to depend on others-- pressure off of me and onto you-- fair, no, but easier in the moment, yes. I also find it easier to focus my energy on making others happy. Again, pressure is off. If my energy is directed towards others, and they are happy, I have succeeded. If I focus my energy on me and for some reason I am still unhappy, then I have in some way "failed" myself and my well-being. I go so far to even convincing myself that if others are happy, then automatically I will find happiness through them. When I take a step back and really look at that mindset, I know it's silly. It is true that making others happy is emotionally pleasing to me. I'm a giver. I live to be kind to others and to myself. I will put myself aside if someone else is "needier" than I am at any given moment. Most of the time pleasing others makes me happy; other times I do push my happiness to the back of the line and tie myself up with a smile so others don't know what I am doing.

Controlling, yes. Borderline crazy, maybe. Real, absolutely.

Then, when I am lost and have no idea how to get back to that inner peace of happiness and self-satisfaction, it hits me. I control me. My energy and time needs to be directed to me and only me before I should ever consider throwing it into someone or something else outside of myself. I don't have to control others and/or a situation to just be. To be happy. To be content. To be me. I can still give and do kind gestures because it does make me feel good inside and in return others smile along with me. Two smiles are better than one. But, my smile is great. If I am not smiling and sincerely happy, why in the world should I expect others to smile? And even more so, why in the world am I exerting MY energy onto them when I can't first and foremost spend it on myself?

I just have to remember. I have to remember to be happy. I have to remember that I am in control of me and not anything or anyone else. I have to remember to give myself my infamous "pep talks" in the morning, every morning- on good days and especially on bad days. I have to remember to smile a real smile. I have to remember to focus on me sometimes and do what I need to do to be and stay happy. I just have to remember that happiness is a choice, and it's the best choice.

Today, I choose happiness. I am happy. #smiling