What I want & How I am going to get it.....

What I want...

•I want a career in which I work with adolescent students and make a difference in their education and their futures.
• I want a "stable" life where I don't have to depend on other people, couchsurf, or live out of my car (unless it's for fun or while on vacation).
•I want a good man, no a GREAT man, who wants me and who is in love with me. One who is honest, faithful, dependable, understanding, loving, supportive, strong, protecting, fun, outgoing, active, confident, and has goals for himself. I want a man who loves his family and my family. I want my family to love him and for his family to love me. I want a man who will make a great daddy and will be a positive role-model for our children.
•I want the opportunity to be the best mommy in the entire world.
•I want success in my career, in my relationships with others, in a marriage/committed relationship, and as a mother.
•I want to laugh out loud always.
•I want to be happy and find happiness in all that I do.
•I want to be inspiring to others-- someone they can look up to, take advice from, and learn from.
•I want everything, without settling for less than the best, because that is what I deserve.

How I am going to get it...

•I am going to stay focused on my goals and look at hardships and falls not as "failing" but as winning & gaining!
•I am going to keep a positive attitude and roll with the punches, no matter how difficult that may be at times.
•I am going to go above and beyond what I need to do to score my dream job.
•I am going to open up my heart and love with my whole heart.
•I am going to turn negatives into positives.
•I am going to be happy.
•I am going to smile.
•I am going to move on from people who are not Erin-worthy and only move forward in every facet of my life.
•I am going to forgive.
•I am going to take every opportunity for growth that comes my way.
•I am going to stay true to myself and to others.
•I am going to live with no regrets.
•I am going to cherish every moment with my family, friends, and others who cross my path.
•I am going to appreciate and pamper myself and expect others to appreciate me as well.

Bridget'sBlog: On the road again

Bridget'sBlog: On the road again: "I remember meeting her and thinking, 'she's not very friendly'. It was at Alan's best friend, Micheal's graduation party and she just sat ac..."

Breaking up is hard, but losing a friend is ever harder...

Failed relationships seem to be a recurring theme in my life lately. Over the past two years I've lost a husband, a second family, a best "friend," a boyfriend, and now another boyfriend/best friend. That's a lot of people in a short amount of time. You'd think I would be getting used to having people come and go in my life, but it actually gets harder every time.  
When Michael and I got divorced, not only did I lose that relationship with him, but I also lost a person who I considered one of my best friends. Losing her was harder on me than losing him, and it took me a lot longer to forgive her than it did for me to forgive him. I am not sure if that is because I felt more betrayed by her, because I didn't have any love left for Michael even before it was all said and done, or because she was supposed to be my "friend" and I personally put a great deal of value on friendships. Regardless of the reason, losing that "friend" was extremely difficult on me. 
However tough and spirit-breaking it was, I made it through and became so much stronger because of those experiences and broken relationships. I moved on and enjoyed life, but not before building up "walls of protection" to make sure that would never happen to me again.  I was really careful when sharing things with others and didn't fully trust anyone (besides my family). I did not let anyone 100% in, and I became very protective of my future and was determined to live only a happy and rewarding life. 
Since then I have made a lot of friends and kept several good friends. I've dated a few people and have had one serious relationship. After several months in that relationship, I felt myself opening up a lot more and being receptive to love (extremely receptive actually, but still not 100%). I was afraid to totally trust and give my heart away because I had a feeling that would only lead to heartbreak. In the end, I was right; it did lead to heartbreak. 
I left the broken relationship, put those "walls" back up, and moved back home to heal.  I did truly love that guy (his family, and his town). Although things were not perfect, there were moments when things felt right and felt like they were going to stay that way.  So when things ended, my heart and spirit were once again broken.  It took a few months for me to feel OK again. Those months of healing were even harder than the months of healing after my marriage/broken friendship had been. Not only was I in love with this guy, he was the person that I talked with and confided in. We had built up a friendship that I didn't want to lose but inevitably lost after I left Portland.
Now, once again, I have lost someone who I love; someone who has been my best friend for three years and has seen me through these previous heartbreaks. Someone who I have totally opened up with, trusted with 100% of my being, and confided in when I felt like I couldn't confide in anyone else.  He is the reason why I have felt so confident in letting those "protective walls" (that I so quickly build up) down and to trust again. Although we apparently aren't meant to be as a "couple," the worst part is that I have lost him as that confidant: the one person in my life with whom I finally felt safe. I am once again experiencing loss, but it's so much worse this time because he truly was my best friend. My best friend: someone who wasn't supposed to hurt me. Someone who was supposed to protect me. Someone who knew that my heart was fragile and couldn't handle even one more hair-line fracture. 
I will, once again, try to see the positives of this experience and focus on them, no matter how extremely difficult that is for me right now. I know that this too shall pass, and the person I am will continue to get stronger with each passing day.  I am not sure if I can handle much more, but I will try to keep a positive attitude while focusing on myself, my happiness, and my future. Also, I am extremely thankful for the friends and family that I do have that have always been dependable and faithful to me. 

Losing this friend may be the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. Hopefully someday I will not see this as a "loss" but as a "gain" to the person I am and will be & to the life that I lead and will continue to lead in the future. 

Walls Around Our Hearts

Many of us build up "walls" of protection for one reason or another. It is our way of making sure we won't get hurt again. Often it seems like the minute we let those walls come down something happens, and we feel as if we need to build them right back up. But, are those walls protecting us or are they actually hurting us? 

Those "protective walls" are partly responsible for why it is so difficult for me to let people in, trust with my whole heart, and let myself be vulnerable around others. I just figure if no one else will handle my heart with care, I will be sure that I do! I now realize that I am taking huge risks by allowing these walls to stay up and I may be missing out on great opportunities that are right in front of me just because I am afraid of getting hurt once again. But, it is because of the moments of heartbreak that I am a stronger person and have a better understanding of what I want and need out of life.

Over the past couple of weeks I have felt confident that some of those walls could come down, and, with time, I would break free of all of the walls and defense mechanisms that I have created. I have been more vulnerable and let people in where I have never let them in before. I've felt safe, loved, protected. I know I am not ready to give my heart up completely, but 95% of me and my heart is ready and is sure that I can trust again.

A lot of great things has happened since I've been in Denver. I've grown; I've trusted; I've given as much of myself as I possibly could. Maybe this isn't much for some, but for me it's massive! It's leaps and bounds further than I thought I would be in a year, let alone in three weeks

I have felt pressure for these "protective walls" to come down and to open up my heart, but after looking at the progress I have made, I am thankful for the challenge because I wouldn't
have challenged myself like this.  I know now that I am ready to trust and let (the right) people in. I know that I am ready for love- to give love and to receive it. And, I know that someday I will be ready to give my whole heart to someone-- someone who will be worthy and ready to receive it.

Short-changing myself??

For the past four years I have taught middle school Language Arts. After my horrific experience last fall, I re-evaluated my career goals and came to the conclusion that maybe there is more out there for me than just being in the classroom. I went on an interview yesterday at a Children's Home in West Denver. This is a residential campus where kids with traumatic backgrounds, unstable families, and those with mental illness come to live, go to school, and hopefully gain a sense of stability and direction. While discussing this job opportunity with a friend, he posed the question, "Would you be short-changing yourself by taking this job?" Hmmm.. I needed to think about that before I committed myself to something this important. Here's the conclusion I came to...

My career goals not only center around me, they center around kids (specifically adolescents) who need a stable, trustworthy, caring person in their lives who will teach them to be confident, hard-working, positive citizens in our society. They need someone who they can depend on, talk to, and share love with. Yeah, I love teaching, but as a teacher I felt that not only was I short-changing myself, but I was short-changing those kids (call them "at-risk" if you must) out there that desperately need someone like ME in their lives every day.

I'm not sure what the outcome of this job opportunity will be; I will hopefully have a deeper understanding of all that it entails when I go to the 2nd interview/ observation this afternoon. BUT-from what I do know about these kids, their needs, and their backgrounds, not only would I not be short-changing myself, I wouldn't be short-changing them either. I know that I can make a difference in their lives. I can and want to be that positive, trustworthy, confident role-model who shows them stability and love. If I was doing that each and every day, in no way would I feel short-changed in my career or in my life!!

Friendship

My mom always told us: "To have a friend, you must be a friend." If you really think about it, it makes total sense. Who wants to be friends with someone who isn't their friend? What you put into a relationship is ultimately what you get out of it. If you are negative, negative people will gravitate to you, but if you are positive and social, you will find that type of person in your life. If you are a "bad" friend, no one will want to continue that relationship, well unless they too do not value your friendship.
Luckily, I have the greatest people in my life. I have friends on four continents, spread all over the US, and a few in Canada. Because of the relationships I have made, I am a strong and confident person who feels comfortable going out and exploring this great big world in which we live.  I know that no matter where this life leads me, there is always someone out there on which I can depend and with whom I can laugh.
I have done some research on "friends" and what characteristics make up a friendship.  There are several qualities that make up a good friend and many definitions of the word. Here are a few of my favorites characteristics and my own breakdown of each:
     1. Honesty
     2. Attentive and adaptable
     3. Supportive/ Sticks with you in good times and in bad times
     4. Fun, unique, and interesting

Honesty
To me, honesty is the most important facet of any relationship. If you are my friend, you must be honest. There is nothing that my friends cannot be honest with me about, and I strive to always be honest with them. Be it about clothes, movie preferences, my opinion about their significant other, etc., I will be honest with them. I appreciate the honesty that I receive from my friends, and I know that they are honest with me (regardless of if they agree with me or not) because they have my best interest in mind.

Attentive and Adaptable
This quality sets true friends apart from the untrue friends (Ya know, those "facebook friends" that you keep on your Facebook page just to keep up with because maybe you will want to hang out or may need something from them someday).  In this crazy, nomadic life that I live, I constantly need dependable, adaptable people by my side. Every day changes for me, but my friends always roll with it and are attentive to my feelings and try to understand, to the best of their ability, the reasons behind my decisions.

Supportive
I would not be as happy as I am if it wasn't for the love and support I receive from my friends. I know that I can do anything and reach for my goals with my friends behind me all the way. Let's face it, we will not always agree on everything or understand every reason for the decisions that people make, but we can always be supportive of what they want out of life and encourage them to reach for their dreams.

Fun, Unique, and Interesting
While I analyze each and every friendship I have, they are all unique and interesting in their own way. I can and do laugh with all of my friends, and we can always have a good time. Life is too short to not have fun. I want my friends to always be able to have a good time with me and value our relationship as unique and interesting.

I thought about writing separate blogs to each of my dearest friends, but honestly that would take me forever. That's a good thing though!!! I have so many great people in my life that I consider a true friend; one who possesses all of the above qualities.  There are several of you that I consider my best friends, and I know that no matter where I go in this world or what I decide to do with my life, you will always be there for me. It's truly not about the quantity of friends you have, it's about the quality! I am just lucky enough to have both, and for that I thank each and every one of you. I just hope that I live up to the characteristics of what a "true friend" is to you. I will always strive to be that friend to you in your best times and in your worse times; I promise. <3