Just Please Don't Break My Heart

"Don't break my heart. Please, just don't break my heart": The words that have repeated over and over in my head every time I meet someone new. The silent words that are usually faster than the "Hi, my name is...," or the "It's nice to meet yous" that would be automatic to any normal person. Normal being the key word here as I have been anything but "normal" when it comes to love and relationships (or life for that matter) over the past four years.

Instead of focusing on me- my needs, my wants, my future, my present- the majority of my focus has been on not getting hurt and not letting anyone too close to my heart because letting someone in ultimately leads to just another break in my already broken heart. Crazy logic, huh? Although I had worked very hard on tearing down the walls that were the barricade of my heart for so long, I always remained conscious of my heart and kept the little walls of protection nearby just in case of an emergency. My energy was dedicated to not getting hurt instead of feeling love. Every now and again I would allow myself to get vulnerable enough to feel and experience almost-love. But then just as quickly as I allowed myself to feel, I retreated; I pulled back and lost any sight of almost-love that could or could not have been.

As the Law of Attraction states: By focusing on positive or negative thoughts, one can bring about positive or negative results. I was focused on not getting my heart broken. Every ounce of my energy was driven by negative thoughts in an away-pattern. Instead of focusing on love (the ultimate positive) and accepting a towards-pattern of life, I allowed myself to feel protected by the subtle fact that if I didn't allow myself to get hurt, I wouldn't get hurt. I was running away from what I wanted instead of running towards it.

Silly girl.

From all that came learning, and I am immensely grateful for those lessons. Knowing what I know now has finally enabled me to love fearlessly and open-heartedly. Not once in the last four months have I worried about my heart getting broken. Instead, I have focused my energy on love and embraced each ounce of love I have received. I am not saying it's not scary at times, but it is all worth it. Regardless of what the future holds, I am dedicated to me, and I will challenge myself to remain focused on the positives, the lessons, and the love that is evident in my life.