My Goodbye to You

Cam,

It's been eight weeks since I last heard your voice over the phone as we discussed a possible last-minute trip to Nashville. You were toying with the idea of coming for the night, but instead, you stayed in Texas to visit with family before going to Portland for a few days. 

Portland. The one place I remember you always wanting to go. You had asked me a few times throughout 2011-2012 to take a weekend off and travel there with you. I always had an excuse, but, in all reality, I just wasn't ready to face a tough time in my life that took me away from Portland the year prior. Anyway, when I read that you were at the Portland airport early that Monday morning, I smiled big knowing that you had always wanted to go. And knowing you better than most, I knew you'd get there because if you want something, you make it happen. That's you. It was always was.

Then we didn't talk the rest of the week- which wasn't abnormal. We knew that when the other was traveling, it was understood that we'd call whenever we were back to reality and then share our amazing experiences. Little did I know then that after your trip I wouldn't be hearing your voice on the other line; it was your mother's.

It's still not real sometimes. Many mornings I wake up from a dream of you, wishing, hoping that just as quickly as I awoke, I could fall right back to sleep to that dream, to you. But I can't... I can't.

Cameron, you were more than just my friend. You were my best friend. My brother. The one person who knows me better than anyone. You were my friend when no one else even knew I needed one. You saw me at my worst moments and my best. You would shoot me straight when everyone else sugar-coated it. You weren't fooled by the walls I put up. You were patient yet stern when I was being "a girl." You teased me, lovingly, knowing that's what I needed in that moment. You could put a smile on my face when I couldn't do that for myself. You protected me, yet you knew my strength and helped me see it myself.

In 2009 when I needed to leave Georgia momentarily, I drove to Batesville, Mississippi because that's where you were. In 2010 when I decided to backpack through Europe and couchsurf by myself, you called me "crazy" but insisted I go and spread my wings. In 2011 when no one else was within a 1200-mile radius of me, you were only a six-hour drive away. We probably spent more time together between 2011-2012 than I spent with anyone. You were always in Denver; I was always in Albuquerque. It's funny to think back on that year. Looking back now it makes perfect sense why I spontaneously moved to Colorado late that June. I needed to be near you, but far enough away to learn that I was okay with just being with myself. And just as much as I needed you then, you needed me. You learned just as much about life and yourself in that year that I did. It's truly amazing, really. 

When Blake Shelton released the song "God Gave Me You" in 2011, I remember calling you the first time I heard it and asked you to listen to it. That was exactly how I felt about you. It's not by coincidence that our lives have played out as they have: God moved us both to Tennessee in 1991, and slowly but surely our paths crossed.  We went to church together at St. Paul's UMC as children and then to S.T.O.M.P. at New Hope Baptist as teenagers. He then provided both of us jobs at Nashville Shores during the summers of our high school years.We both moved away from Tennessee in 2007 and slowly found ourselves out west in Colorado and New Mexico in 2011. It was all in His plan. He knew we needed each other. He knew I couldn't do it out there all alone without my best friend a few hours away, and He knew the same was true for you. God gave me you in all the ups and downs of my life. You were always right there waiting for me to see the good that would come of any situation, cheering me along and celebrating with me at the finish line of life's obstacles. Yes, with a beer in hand. We even have the mugs to prove it. 


When CJ and I decided to move our wedding date from August 30th to April 12th, we did it with his father in mind. We had no idea then that maybe the reason for the sudden change in date was you. And, we changed it on March 17th- St. Paddy's Day. Weird. Anyway, when I called to tell you about it, you said that you weren't working that weekend, but you would be in Mississippi with Sheana that weekend. I understood that you were always stretched thin when you would come to visit, so I didn't give it another thought.  

CJ's friends asked him to go downtown the Monday night before our wedding for his bachelor party. He met them at Tootsies that night, and they found their way to Legends. According to CJ, for over 30 minutes, the guys begged him to leave Legends to go to another bar, but he wanted to stay and watch his friend who was playing the guitar. After their unrelenting requests, he gave in and headed towards the door. As he walked out of the front door, you were coming in it. You were in Nashville! Wow. He said the two of you hung out the rest of the night.

I remember waking up to a picture text message from you. It was a picture of you and CJ and the caption read, "I'm keeping him in check!" At first I thought, "What?! You're in Nashville??" and "Hey, wait! You should be at my party, not CJ's!" But then I was so thankful that you were there with him- my two favorite guys on the night celebrating his soon-to-be marriage with me. The next morning you called to see about lunch. Tuesdays were always the busiest day for me at work, but our meeting ended early, so we planned to meet for a quick lunch in Brentwood. I called CJ, and we all met at the hibachi grill across from our apartment. That was the last time I saw you. April 8th. That was the last time I sat next to you and in between the two men in my life. That was the last time I laughed with you, shared with you, and hugged you. If I would have known that then, I wouldn't have let go. I would have hugged you tighter. I would have taken off work that afternoon and hung out with you longer. I would have invited myself to your dad's birthday dinner the next night like old times. I would have bought him a tray of cookies and ate the first row before arriving at their house with them in hand. We would have laughed and reminisced all night long.

When I learned that you were missing early that Friday morning, CJ shared with me parts of the conversation the two of you shared the night of his bachelor party. Thanks a lot for explaining me to him. (Part of me is being facetious right now...). ;) However, you said it all exactly right. You nailed it on the head when you told him about my defensive mechanisms and how I would never let anyone hurt me ever again. You explained the walls that I've put up for various reasons and the work I've done to tear some of them down. You were giving him the tools that he would need when he'd take me as his wife. You were giving him insight to the part of me that only you knew.  I know he will forever be grateful for that night he shared with you. I know that I will forever be grateful that he heard it from you and that he knows how much you loved me, protected me, and were there for me before he was ever brought into my life. Thank you for being in Nashville that night, and thank you for having lunch with us the next day.

So now I sit here, seven weeks later. It's taken me this long to get anything down on paper, yet the thoughts have been spiraling around in my mind nonstop. This is the hardest part: ending this letter to you. What do I say? We've had the BEST times together (and some of the worst). Together we've witnessed/shared marriages, births, deaths, graduations, bike riding fiascoes, lost loves, new loves, brewery tours, traveling adventures, festivals, new jobs, streaking escapades, multi-country adventures, many moves to new places, avoided jail for trespassing at Nashville Shores and Red Rocks, and more laughs than could ever be fair to anyone else. Our families are each other's family. Our friends are each other's friends. 

Life will never be the same without you. It will never be as happy, as loving, as exciting. It will never be okay when I pick up the phone and call you only to remember you aren't there to talk to me. It will never be the same going downtown to The Stage and Paradise Park without seeing you in your ten-year old t-shirt, white socks, and shorts. Colorado will never be the same. Drinking a New Belgium brew will never be the same. Hearing 1,000+ songs that remind me of you will never be the same. Hot-air balloons, Tour de Fat, Jack-in-the-Box drive-thrus, classic country music, Irish anything, water features, loud talking, getting lost, The Slick Pig, stout beer, seeing Michael Blakely.... there's a million things I could write here... none of it will ever be the same without you here.

I miss you nonstop. I think of you nonstop. I will forever love you nonstop. And I will forever be thankful that God chose you to be my best friend for half of my life. Thank you for so many wonderful moments and memories that will forever be in my heart and on my mind. Your legend will forever live on, Cam.