Breaking up is hard, but losing a friend is ever harder...

Failed relationships seem to be a recurring theme in my life lately. Over the past two years I've lost a husband, a second family, a best "friend," a boyfriend, and now another boyfriend/best friend. That's a lot of people in a short amount of time. You'd think I would be getting used to having people come and go in my life, but it actually gets harder every time.  
When Michael and I got divorced, not only did I lose that relationship with him, but I also lost a person who I considered one of my best friends. Losing her was harder on me than losing him, and it took me a lot longer to forgive her than it did for me to forgive him. I am not sure if that is because I felt more betrayed by her, because I didn't have any love left for Michael even before it was all said and done, or because she was supposed to be my "friend" and I personally put a great deal of value on friendships. Regardless of the reason, losing that "friend" was extremely difficult on me. 
However tough and spirit-breaking it was, I made it through and became so much stronger because of those experiences and broken relationships. I moved on and enjoyed life, but not before building up "walls of protection" to make sure that would never happen to me again.  I was really careful when sharing things with others and didn't fully trust anyone (besides my family). I did not let anyone 100% in, and I became very protective of my future and was determined to live only a happy and rewarding life. 
Since then I have made a lot of friends and kept several good friends. I've dated a few people and have had one serious relationship. After several months in that relationship, I felt myself opening up a lot more and being receptive to love (extremely receptive actually, but still not 100%). I was afraid to totally trust and give my heart away because I had a feeling that would only lead to heartbreak. In the end, I was right; it did lead to heartbreak. 
I left the broken relationship, put those "walls" back up, and moved back home to heal.  I did truly love that guy (his family, and his town). Although things were not perfect, there were moments when things felt right and felt like they were going to stay that way.  So when things ended, my heart and spirit were once again broken.  It took a few months for me to feel OK again. Those months of healing were even harder than the months of healing after my marriage/broken friendship had been. Not only was I in love with this guy, he was the person that I talked with and confided in. We had built up a friendship that I didn't want to lose but inevitably lost after I left Portland.
Now, once again, I have lost someone who I love; someone who has been my best friend for three years and has seen me through these previous heartbreaks. Someone who I have totally opened up with, trusted with 100% of my being, and confided in when I felt like I couldn't confide in anyone else.  He is the reason why I have felt so confident in letting those "protective walls" (that I so quickly build up) down and to trust again. Although we apparently aren't meant to be as a "couple," the worst part is that I have lost him as that confidant: the one person in my life with whom I finally felt safe. I am once again experiencing loss, but it's so much worse this time because he truly was my best friend. My best friend: someone who wasn't supposed to hurt me. Someone who was supposed to protect me. Someone who knew that my heart was fragile and couldn't handle even one more hair-line fracture. 
I will, once again, try to see the positives of this experience and focus on them, no matter how extremely difficult that is for me right now. I know that this too shall pass, and the person I am will continue to get stronger with each passing day.  I am not sure if I can handle much more, but I will try to keep a positive attitude while focusing on myself, my happiness, and my future. Also, I am extremely thankful for the friends and family that I do have that have always been dependable and faithful to me. 

Losing this friend may be the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. Hopefully someday I will not see this as a "loss" but as a "gain" to the person I am and will be & to the life that I lead and will continue to lead in the future.