That girl is gone, gone, gone..

Let's face it. I keep making the same mistake over and over again. I keep attracting "that" guy... The one whose potential I can see, but not the one who lives up to it. The one who is not only dishonest with me but is also dishonest with himself. The one that, no matter what, chooses to settle for less than ultimate greatness.

I am finally conscious of why I keep doing this. (Although a great lesson) I was taught "to see the good in everyone." My mom always quoted her mom by saying: "There's good in everyone, but sometimes you have to look harder in some than others." Truly believing there is good in everyone, I do take the time and put forth the energy to find it. Oh, and when I do find it, is it good!!! I think that's why I have such a passion to work with at-risk adolescents. Although many people would argue that the early teenage years are the worst, I LOVE them! Even moreso, the "at-risk" ones, you know the ones that almost no one can get through to or even take the time to try, are my ultimate favorites! Once I find the good in them (yeah, sometimes it can take a minute!) it's AMAZING!!!

I do this in relationships too. I guess part of me (the naive part) thinks I can "save" them: help them see their potential, see how amazing they are, and help them to live up to it and become the greatest version of themselves. No matter how much I give, the example I set, or the words that I say, it doesn't work. I've failed each time. In my opinion there's nothing worse than seeing the potential in an amazing person and not being able to do anything about it. I just go on reflecting on the "What If's" and the "What else could I do's."

Not anymore.

That girl is gone. Gone. I cannot put any more energy into other people's potential. From this point forward, all that energy is directed towards me. I have just as much potential as anyone else, and I am now conscious of the fact that I am not fully living up to it. Yeah, even on a bad day I am above-average. Even still I am not the greatest version of me. Not yet anyway..

In Febraury I was asked, "On a scale of 1 to 10, overall how do you rank yourself?" Regardless of how I was feeling or the life changes I was experiencing (that was a tough month for me!), I confidently and honestly replied, "A ten!" Yep, that's right. I WAS A TEN, and I knew it. The response was, "Why not a 15?" Hmmm... Why not a 15? I had a lot of growing to do at that point.

Since then I have grown tremendously, and I am still growing. It's August, and I am still not at a 15, but I'm getting there. Right now I'd consider myself a 12.5. I know there is much for me to do and for me to learn to get to that 15, to that greatest version of me. First of all I need to focus on me and only me. I need to cut that emotional cord from a past relationship that unfortunately is still there. Also. I need to tear down those "walls" that I've built up around my heart. I need to not look at failures as failing but as growing. After all, if it wasn't for all of those "falls," I would not be the 12.5 that I am today. Most of all, I need to trust myself to make the right choices while being conscious of those choices.

So today, right now, I am making a conscious decision to let that scared, untrusting, "life saver" go. That girl is gone. Here's to a new, improved, better-than-ever Erin. An Erin that loves herself, sees HER greatest potential, and won't stop until she reaches it and becomes the greatest version of herself. It'll happen; it's inevitable.