Three Years Later

If Only I Knew Then What I Know Now

Oh boy, have I learned a lot about life, love, people, communication, compromise, happiness, and commitment throughout this emotional rollercoaster of "adult" life on which I have been. All of those things were important to me throughout my marriage and the five years of dating before we were married, yet I only knew of those things on the surface. I never looked at them on a deeper, more mature level. I didn’t know any better, really. Geez, I was only seventeen when we met and twenty-three when we married. How was I supposed to know those things on a deeper level when I was so young and naive? I needed those eight years to play out exactly like they did for me to someday have a successful personal and family life.

It’s easy now to look back and see when things started to go wrong. There are specific instances that I know I didn’t handle very maturely and constructively. There were moments when it was easier for me to just not say anything and harvest resentment, disgust, and sadness over things he did and said. I internalized everything that happened, everything that he said, and everything that he didn’t say. I focused too much on not getting divorced than I did on rebuilding a love that we once had. I found trust and communication in everyone but him, partly because he wasn’t willing to listen and partly because I was being selfish. At the time it was the thing that was easiest for me as I was disregarding what the best thing for us was. It was the only thing I knew to do.

Now don’t get me wrong: I know that I needed to spend those eight years of my life with him and say goodbye. He was there for a reason, and I wouldn’t do it any differently if I had it to do all over. Everything happens for a reason. Everyone is in our lives for a reason: some stay a short time; some stay a long time; and others stay forever. With that being said, I WILL do things differently in the future.

I won’t walk away so easily if I know in my heart that it is true love. I will fight, I will communicate, I will be respectful, and I will only focus on the positive outcomes that will come from the struggles and the “worse” that every couple faces. I will open my heart and voice my feelings freely and fearlessly. I will listen to my heart but not mute my head. I know that I am worthy of the greatest love in the world, and once I find it, I won’t give up on it. When the other person needs his space, I will give it to him. I will embrace the lessons that need to be learned, and I will use the tools that I have been given to make this life the best one ever. I will love and let myself be loved.