Cause and Effect: Happiness From Craziness

Sara Evans "A Little Bit Stronger" is on the radio. Two years ago I would be a crying mess right about now. Gosh, even last year at this time I probably would have cried (for different reasons, of course). Today, however, the smile on my face says it all: "Better off without you; I'm getting stronger without you"...Perfect. It's moments like this when I reflect back over the past four and a half years that really make me appreciate everything and everyone that I had to go through to get me to where I am right this second. This second is all that matters anyway, right? 

From losing a husband and "best friend" (when, in all reality, I only gained myself and a happy future), to moving a zillion times in two years, to adding numerous cracks into an already broken heart, and on top of all of that discounting everything that I truly wanted to settle for a mediocre life with someone(s) who would maybe love me one day like I loved them (note: "love" like I only knew the definition to be at the time). It's all a crazy whirlwind now. It's hard to believe that one person could go through that much in so little time. Sometimes it's even harder to believe that person was me.

I ignored what I didn't want to see, noticed only what I allowed myself to notice, loved without any reservation, and endured more than I would ever wish for another human being to ever endure. I cried way too many tears and gave my incomplete heart to anyone who would briefly hold on to it because that meant I didn't have to struggle and be responsible with all of its fractures. Cowardly, huh? Thank goodness I finally got control of all the madness that was my life once upon a time.

Funny thing is that I had to do it all over just to get me to the place I am today, I would do it in a heartbeat. Not even a heartbeat- half a heartbeat. The smiles upon my face at any given moment in the day, the laughter that echoes in this house, the love for myself and for others that I constantly feel in my heart- everything in the past was worth all of this in the present. Eventually this second will be history as well. I know that I will be so proud of myself when I look back upon these days and remember the moments of sacrifices, dedication, support, and love that I give daily to prepare for an even better future than what I can only imagine. 

Life: it's fantastic.