Hiding My Heart Away

"This is how the story went: I met someone by accident... I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done and wake up to your face against the morning sun. But like everything I've ever known, you'll disappear one day."

I came across Adele's "Hiding My Heart" song this morning as I was thinking about someone who is special to me. Funny how that happens, and lately it happens to me more times than not. These words have never been truer for me, ever. As I sit here on the floor listening to these words over and over again, tears running down my cheek, feeling weaker over the past few weeks than I have in a long time, I keep reminding myself that all of this is happening for a reason.

Sometimes I feel like I can no longer invest the time, energy, and emotion on someone who just isn't quite sure or ready for whatever life has in store for the future. For years now I have been "hiding my heart away," leaving town to my skyscrapers or whatever place I am calling "home" at the moment because that decision is easier than allowing the pain to come through and be felt. And then there are the times when I do decide to trust my heart- only to reveal it, open it up, and let myself feel whatever it is that I am feeling (love, trust, contentment). And each time I go back to where I started: sad, confused, and alone. Again, I remind myself that there was a reason why my heart was in hiding in the first place. Same story, same ending.

"He" always comes when I am in need of him the most; that's for sure. That's the problem though. As soon as I don't "need" him anymore, he disappears like everything (and everyone else) in my life. Only once now have I felt that I wanted him as much as I needed him. But like every other time, he, too, has disappeared.

Maybe the cards are flipped this time.. who knows? Maybe they have been all along. Maybe I was there for him when he was in need of me, and now my work is done. Could I be the one who has disappeared? Although, for my heart, it surely does not feel like that is the case, maybe it is. Maybe not, and maybe I will never know. All I can do is hope and pray that "he" is just as well off because of me and my love as I am because of what he gave to me in the short amount of time we had together. Letting go is hard, but sometimes I feel that it is the best thing that one person can do for another.

If another "he" comes along and blows me away, I will continue to embrace him, his love, and whatever he has to offer me. If he, too, disappears one day, I will not regret opening up my heart, but I will rejoice in the fact that his love has only strengthened my life and my journey. I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away. I can't.