I have struggled quite a bit over the past two weeks. It’s funny, really, because when CJ and I first met, he “warned” me of this touring stuff. He would tell me stories of not being able to freely communicate whenever we wanted, of him leaving on Thursdays and coming home on Sundays (and then times when he’d be gone weeks at a time), and of the loneliness I may feel when he is away. I was very spoiled in the beginning since we did start dating during the off-season. From December to March, he was home. We were able to focus on us, our love, and on the life we were creating together. Yeah, he played all over downtown at least five days a week, but it was exciting! I could go see him whenever I wanted, and he was always there when I woke up in the morning. After living that life for a few months, I was confident that I had it all figured out and his touring wouldn't bother me one bit. Ha! Was I wrong!
I was convinced that I- the super independent, gypsy, free-spirited, strong woman that I am- could handle anything and I’d actually enjoy being alone (since I was used to it and content with it before I even met the guy). March wasn’t so hard, but I sure did miss him. Then, he was on a nationwide tour in June and July. That was different, and I missed him even more, but I was still okay. Then, this month-long radio tour came along. Geez.
I guess I got so used to his other schedules (and focusing on taking care of his sister who lived with us for the first six months of our relationship) that my expectations quickly needed to be adjusted and I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I realized that I was spending my days worrying about what he was doing, where he was, how many hours were left until he’d be home, or really if he’d even get to come home the next weekend. Then, I had back problems and felt “abandoned” when he had to leave to go back on the road. I was so focused on his career, his schedule, his arrivals, etc. that I forgot to focus any of my energy on ME. I didn't actively participate in my hobbies. I didn't have a schedule of my own because I didn't have any leftover time to focus on it (…or so I thought). I confused “support” of him and his passion with my own breathing, eating, and living of HIS life. That wasn't what he needed or what was making me happy. My job was lacking, and watching him live his dreams each and every day while I wasn't did not make any of this any easier. [I realize now that was so unfair to both of us. Live and learn, huh?]
Then, I woke up. All of this was me- me unhappy with myself, unhappy with the lack of a passionate career, unhappy with how my life has turned out because of the decisions I've made and wouldn't change in a heartbeat. He and I talked about my “unhappiness,” our roles within this life of ours together and ours individually, and how things could be if I would just concentrate on myself a little more. He’s fine; he needs my love and support, but he doesn't need me to remember every little detail or worry about him all the time. I wasn't, though, because I forgot about myself and my wants and needs that only I can fulfill. (Oh my goodness... When did I become that woman???)
The moment I decided to remember myself, my needs, and my interests is the moment that I found this blog: http://roadwidows.com/ . It’s fantastic. It helps me to not beat myself up too much and it also helps me to hold myself accountable. Now when I get an e-mail to update me on the latest posting, I send it to him, and we talk about it together whenever we've both had a chance to read it. We can relate, and it helps us realize we are and will be okay. We’re not alone, and it can work! Now I am actively focusing my time and energy on once again starting up my career- one that I can be passionate about and get just as much love and satisfaction from if he’s here or if he’s on the road. I know that this is still just beginning. Eight months into this and two weeks away from our first completed tour-season still classifies me as a “rookie.” Luckily I have the love of the greatest man I know and the support/advice of the strong Road Widows- I will be fine. Everything will be fine. 
No comments:
Post a Comment