Grieve. Time. Listen. Love.

Over the past few days I have had a lot of heart-to-hearts with friends about life, love, and loss of love relationships. Many of the people that I am closest to are struggling with life problems that (believe it or not) are even too big for me to "solve" at times. Proudly I have become the friend that listens and consoles without judgment and without adding in my two cents about whatever the situation may be. I may have been in a similar situation (or at least in a situation that required a listening ear and only a listening ear), and I can remember what I needed at that moment.  And although I am a really good listener and enjoy this role that I've gladly taken on, sometimes I selfishly feel the need to say something, but the words are never found. At those moments, I feel like a failure as a friend.  Almost instantly after the conversation ends, I remind myself that the person doesn't need me to say anything because there is nothing that I could possibly say that would make the situation any better, easier, or in some cases even remotely tolerable.

This morning after one of my "What do I say to her? Geez, Erin! You're not being the greatest friend right now because you don't have the answers!!" moments, I started researching "The Five Stages of Grief" (something that I became all too familiar with a few years ago). I came across the following article from Psych Central. After reading through the article, I was reassured that I am being a good friend by just listening. No matter how minuscule of a thing it may seem to me, sometimes listening is the greatest thing a friend can do for another. 

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/11/20/8-tips-to-help-console-a-grieving-friend/8 Tips to Help Console a Grieving Friend

Within the article, the author talks about how grieving is different for everyone. Ain't that the truth! Every situation is different even if you think "I know! I've been there." Yeah, maybe you've experienced a death, a divorce, the loss of a child, the loss of a lover, etc. However, no two losses are the same. My divorce may have been similar to yours, but the way I dealt with it was the best way for me. That doesn't mean it's the best way for you, and only you know what's best for you. When a mother loses her child, she copes with it in the ways that are best for her. Those ways may not be the best for the next mother who loses her child. Not only are the ways in which one copes different, but the amount of time needed for one person to grieve definitely isn't the same for everyone. Minutes, days, months, years... who is to say? If it takes Guy 1 three months to get over his loss, but it takes Guy 2 six years to get over a similar loss, does that mean Guy 1 is stronger or loved the person he lost less than Guy 2 did? Of course NOT!

Jason Mraz's song "I Won't Give Up" has recently become one of my favorites for several reasons. When I hear it, I think of myself, of my best friends, and of a love that I am destined to find one day. My two favorite lines in the song are: "And when you're needing your space to do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting to see what you find" and "I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am." Oh so true! Not giving up is the key. No matter how hard it may be and how much time you may feel like you are "wasting," you owe it to yourself and/or to the person that is grieving. You are worth it; they are worth it. Time is valuable, and doing what is best for you is even more valuable. Unfortunately, doing what is best for you may take more time than you'd care to admit. Just remember that taking time for you to heal, cope, grieve, or whatever it is that you need may be the best gift you will ever give to yourself. On the flip side, if you are the friend of a grieving person, time and a listening ear may be the best gifts that you are ever able to give no matter how insignificant it may seem to you at the moment. Be patient, be strong, be whatever it is that your friend needs you to be. If you are unsure of what is expected of you, just be there. Listen. Love. Wait. Care. Breathe. Oh, and don't forget to laugh every once in a while. It's good for you; I promise.