This time last year
I was packing up my things and once again saying goodbye to my family and
friends. I was about to embark on a personal life-changing adventure that I
fearlessly and desperately needed to take. To some this may have seemed like
another one of my moves to run away from something or an "irresponsible,
selfish" act to "hide from the pain" of my past, but for me it
was the beginning of the rest of my life. For once in my life I knew what I
needed to do for me, for my heart, and for any chance of a happy future. (See "Here I go again on my own" Blog)
I was miserable last
year. From the beginning of 2009 until I left for Colorado, my heart was
broken, and the pieces that were not broken were so protected with walls...
Walls that I had built up so high that I could never possibly let anyone in
because getting hurt one more time was not something that I would have been
able to handle (or so I thought). I tied myself together with a smile and tried
to focus on the good things in my life, but in my heart I knew I would not be
completely happy forever if I continued on this path. Things needed to change.
I needed to learn
how to trust myself. I needed to own that my happiness depended solely on me. I
needed to break down the walls and begin healing my heart. I needed to forgive
the ones who hurt me while focusing my energy on me and not on them. I needed
to forgive myself of the things I did wrong and let go of my past. But mostly,
I needed to love me and be happy with me before I could ever expect anyone else
to love me and be happy with me. And so I set out for Colorado...
During the eleven
months I was in Colorado, I learned more about myself, others, and how the
world works than I ever did in the 28 years that I've been on this planet. I
accepted new challenges and pushed myself to do things that I had always been
too afraid to do. I trusted others and listened. I opened up my heart and let
people in. And yeah, there were moments when I got sad, felt lonely, and
questioned if I was really making the right decisions for me. There were times
that I felt like I wanted to move back home. There were other times when I
questioned my strength and the worthiness of my selfishness. I got hurt. I fell
numerous times. I missed the "normalcy" of life that had been absent
for so long. But because of all of that, I only got up stronger and more
determined to be happy.
I wasn't sure what
was waiting up ahead for me, but I was confident that I deserved whatever it
was. As the months went by, I could feel my heart healing. I found beauty in
myself that I never knew existed. I trusted my decisions and began to let
others in. I depended on people to teach me what I needed to learn. I realized
that life is too short to not go after what your heart wants, and I was finally
learning the true wants and desires of my heart. I forgave the people who had
hurt me and focused my attention to the lessons learned instead of the anger
that I was stubbornly holding onto. By the end of October, I finally felt
free... free to love, free to trust, free to live.
Now as I look back
on the past year, I am so grateful for every single experience (even the broken
friendships and times that I thought I had failed). I found my heart and gained
the confidence in myself to go after what I want. I will live and love
fearlessly. I will try not to worry about things that I have no control over. I
will be true to myself and to others. I know what I have to offer to myself, to
my friends and my family, and to this world. Mostly though, I understand that
being happy in life is truly what matters, and only I am in control of the
happiness of my heart.
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