They Are MY Emotions, and I'll Cry If I Want To

For the good part of eight years, I spent a lot energy apologizing for my feelings and pretended to be someone I wasn't. I did it so much, I even started to believe that I should act and feel a certain way. Soon, I didn't even notice I was doing: it became natural, and that emotionless, selfless person was me. Poof! Just like that the automatic "I'm sorry's" and changing the way I felt because others thought I should feel differently was my existence. Then one day when I had had enough and couldn't bear one more minute of pretending and going through the motions of the emotionless life that I was living, I decided I couldn't (and wouldn't) do it any longer.

Since then I have compromised my feelings for others at times. I have come to understand that sometimes life demands that of us, and it is okay. There are moments and situations where one must step outside their selfish, one-sided way of thinking and consider others, their feelings, and their expectations/ demands. The "other" may be a partner, a friend, a child, a coworker, a corporation, or a group to which one belongs. The difference now is that I don't lose sight of my feelings in the meantime. Instead, I consider it somewhat of a trade-off: What I do for another somehow has an advantage for me and my well-being. However, there are those other times where my stubbornness won't let me compromise my feelings in fear that I may once again fall into that scary trap of being the emotionless robot that I was those many years ago. In those moments I may shut down and use one of the several defense mechanisms I carefully designed and created to protect my health and my heart.

That could be a weakness that could haunt me for the rest of my days. Because it has taken me so long to value and appreciate my feelings (no matter how appropriate or justified they may be at any given time), it is a hard pill to swallow when one depreciates (or tries to depreciate) how I am feeling for any given reason. The new Erin believes that my feels are my feelings, and I will be darned if anyone tries to control them.  Even when I can't control a certain emotion ('cause I'll admit at times I let my emotions get the best of me to the point that even I'm not sure why I'm feeling the way I am feeling), no one else will control it for me. As crazy as this may sound, I'd rather the emotion control me than allow someone else try to control my emotions for me (Remember, after all, I still am a woman= estrogen in large amounts).

But when the emotions subside and the reality of life isn't clouded by the craziness any longer, I gain control once again. It all just seems to fall back into place, and life is good. 99% of the time, no one else knows what goes on in my heart and my head with me and the emotions I feel. It's me: I am who I am. I won't apologize for feeling a certain way, but I will apologize if I allow my emotions to affect anyone else in a negative way. No one will ever change the way I feel if I don't allow them to. People can add to my happiness, my sadness, my enthusiasm, or, at times, even my confusion, but ultimately I create it all. I control it, and all of it is okay because it makes me stand apart from the ordinary, going-through-the-emotions people who are afraid to take control of their lives and their destined happiness and/or unhappiness.

I choose happiness.